The Peanut Chronicles

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Pure evil

Top reasons why Kaiser is the anti-Christ

1. Woke up with feet like a hobbit. So big that they don’t even fit into the Bear’s shoes. This can’t be good. The response? “Try swimming for circulation problems.” I can’t walk, but hey, swimming is the cure all right?

2. Went to NST for the Nut. Had trouble finding the Nut.

3. Blood pressure: 180/100. NOT GOOD AT ALL.

4. Feet and hands are kind of a purple color

5. Still very anemic despite being on their iron supplements for several months

6. Ignored the heart murmur that I have developed

7. Liver is still slightly swollen

8. Baby is not moving so often anymore (hour and fifty minutes to get ten kicks). This is greeted with “oh, there just isn’t a lot of room for kicking anymore.”

9. No one has bothered to explain the results to me or Bear of any of the tests.

10. Should we induce? “No, let’s give it another weeks or two.”

NOW CALL ME CRAZY… isn’t this beginning to be a hazard to Nut and me? Our health? Beginning? No I think it has been for a while. So they want me to sign a release form and I decided that, NO, I WILL NOT. I am not going to let them cover their asses when they know this is a bad idea. Of my three docs, one was for popping Nut today but the other two over ruled him. What the fuck? They are so leaving themselves open to a malpractice suit if anything happens to me or Nut.
This job I am interviewing for, I don’t care, and I am dumping Kaiser flat on their asses if I get it. I don’t care if we have to go to the city for health care.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Do you ever have that dream where you open your mouth and you try to scream but you can't make a sound?

Kim Joseph
1954-2006

Interesting to note

1. Kristen Cowell 1982-2006 (alright, what the fuck man??)

2. My account was hacked. the address changed and I also woke up to find an entry published that I DIDN'T write (Sorry, I don't have a problem with other cultures and I sure as hell don't use those words.) however, I know who did and they will most likely be served with cease and desist orders. Yeah, don't fuck with me.

3. My liver is swollen now. Instead of meds or, I don't know, taking this little sucker out, they have decided to give me a fluid flush. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but isn't the liver important? And, unlike my kidneys, can't be replaced? Just curious. when they said high riskj pregnancy, they implied bleeding out after birth and what not. none of this liver shit and hearing/vision problems.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

the awe of it all

I hate waiting. I hate it. During today’s “sleep away the afternoon” session I had a dream that involved my mother. Oh the irony of timing. It was the usual kind of dream. I am on the phone and we are talking about baby and dancing and ballet and life… crap like that. Then I say, “We should get coffee. What’s your address, I’ll come pick you up!” She says something like she works on 1 Geary Street on the second floor and then I drop the phone into a bucket of water and it breaks. Of course I can’t call her back for more accurate directions because the phone is destroyed and I go to hit redial and the only thing that comes up is 415- something. And so I wake up, thinking, “shit, I was so close this time.”

These dreams don’t really depress me. They just make me wonder at the awe of it all. So is this how mom chooses to talk to me? Is she (her spirit at least) right now on Geary Street? I must admit a little tiny part of me wants to jump in the car and find 1 Geary Street and look for clues. Kind of silly.

No nut. I am tired of waiting though. Maybe the bear will get a plane, throw me in it and do touch and goes. Up and down…. Up and down… that is enough to annoy the nut into getting out of me, right?

Problem solved. They want the bear so much for this job they are willing to do the training at his airport because they know the Nut is due any day. Next hurtle: it’s a pay cut. Hmmm…

Yesterday I was sure my water broke. I went to the doc for the routine appointment and guess what? The BP was high again. So onto a non-stress test where I sat on the comfy bed for an hour attached to a monitor and relaxed. My BP went up while I was doing this. Ooookkkkkkk…. So labs were done and I called for the results at about four. While on the phone with the doc there was a huge gush and a puddle. Lovely. Doc asked me to describe it. She sent me to labor and delivery. Better safe then sorry. I took MY with me because Bear was flying and MY is my bitch for missing the baby shower.

Three hours later, they decided that the water is leaking but not broken. Lovely. I wanted this little sucker out of me.

And let me tell you the exam they did of me was not pleasant. the only way I could describe it was a pap smear gone horribly wrong or being assualted. it sucked and the Bear did not like the look on my face. in fact, he got scared and cried for me. I just breathed deep and tried to ignore everything. talk about disassociation.

All night I had pretty regular contractions until about 11pm. Then, of course, they stopped. Sigh.

It’s a fucking waiting game now.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The bear got a job offer flying some serious metro liners on a charter deal. It’s an offer that he can’t refuse, giving him the turbo prop time that he would need to move on to bigger and better things rather then just teaching. He wants it so bad he can taste it. I can see it in his eyes too. So what is the problem?

How does a month of training in TEXAS sound? That’s right, A MONTH.

And the sad thing is, even though he denies it vehemently, I can see it in his eyes that the Nut and me are just holding him back from his dreams. He says being a dad is a bigger deal. But I watch him at night when he thinks that I can’t see. He is disappointed. All I do is hold him back.

So do I give up and let him go for the month and try to do Nut by myself? Or do I nix the whole idea? But when will this offer come up again? (Not likely anytime soon.) And Bear isn’t getting any younger and I know where he wanted to be by the time he was 30 and where I wanted to be at 30. They don’t line up. Who am I to tell him to go fuck his dream? Oh yeah, I am the one who moved to the area I hated, married into a family I hate, worked dead end jobs, and then this came about.

The thing is, it's not like we haven't danced this dance before. we got married in March and then at the end of the month I went back to my apartment up north and finished school without him there for 6 weeks. then he came up for graduation and we moved down to the fucking bay area. so it's not like I haven't done that shit before. but now there is a Nut.

The other night I asked bear if he was excited about the nut. He said he was. I asked if he thought this was all bad timing? He said, and I quote, “I told you we should have waited until you were done with graduate school.” And rolled over and went to bed.

“I’ll wake up one night, in some big empty bed. And my hands will grope for the light and my hands will grope for my head. The world is my oyster, the road is my home and I know that I am better… I am better off alone.”

Saturday, February 18, 2006

breast feeding hell

The breast feeding class was a horrid class today. The woman teaching it was insulting and I was shocked at some of the things that came out of her mouth. She was talking, for example, about breast size after the milk comes in. she says you go up a cup to two cup sizes. Then she said that “most of you will have breasts like cows.” WTF?? I am already sensitive over my breast size. She also said stuff like “be careful not to smother your baby” etc to a woman with larger breasts like myself.

Seriously, what the hell? Tongue and cheek teaching is one thing but you really need to be sensitive to people. Why is it that most people don’t realize that maybe some women DON’T like the way that they look when preggers?

Then we get to the post partum phase. She has the BALLS to say to us, “most of you will get sad, but I doubt anyone will be severally depressed. The only people who are severally depressed are people who have a history of depression or a diagnosis like PTSD. But you all are too young to have PTSD diagnosis… what wars do you remember?” followed by laughter.

At that point I put on my sweater and told the bear I was leaving. This class was insulting to my intelligence and she was a very bad teacher. Oh yes, and I let her know it in the reviews that we had to fill out. I wrote how I didn’t appreciate being made fun of, her presumptuous attitude and her down right disregard for the feelings and well being of the people in the class.

Now, you may think I am over reacting, but I heard people around me whisper comments about her as well. Obviously, I was not the only insulted one.

What really bugs me was her nonchalant way of talking about depression. I already know that there is a chance that I am going to be nutty. I am not stupid but to tell me that I am too young to have traumas in my life? Where does she get that impression? Is it because I look like a normal person? Is it because I seem fine when I laugh and smile? Seriously, where is she getting this presumption from?

Friday, February 17, 2006

So how does one spend the first day of maternity leave and bedrest? By walking all over SF, Dublin and other places and having sex.

the sex was just because I am now desperate to get the nut out. Cross my fingers. It wasn't even good sex either. Seeing as I haven't had sex since last December, it was kind of a pain.

tomorrow the bear and I go to a breastfeeding class. Joys. It's also going to talk about post partum stuff. Maybe I will go into labor tonight. Small contractions all day... You never know.

Did I mention the fact that it is snowing? Not enough to stay around, but still kind of pretty to watch.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

My bear loves me, even though he called me a bitch the other day (for the record, it was late and I was hungry and sleepy).

Today he flew with a student to Arcata. There, he got me a plate of ginger garlic potatoes from Big Blue café to go, a hammock baby carrier and some conditioner scented by himself to smell like lavender from Bubbles Soap Shop. Why? Because he wanted too.

Oh, and Fly Girl, the student, bought the Nut some airplane shorts at the Rocking Horse baby shop. Grrreat.

The bear is so funny. For all the hippie jokes he throws at me for being a hippie like girl (but I shower) he really wanted to get the hippie baby sling. So he did. HAHAHAHA….

Today was the last day at the internship. Maternity leave, here I come!! Perfect timing since the doc has now put me on bed rest. Well, not really bed rest but “in the morning you are to stay with your feet up for two hours and the same in the afternoon.” She told us this after I mentioned that my feet looked like an elephants feet in a short amount of time and she had me hooked up to a fetal monitor because the Nut decided to stop being so active. It was kind of cool, hearing the heartbeat… feeling the contractions and watching them print out on the paper. Oh yes, there have been contractions. And a loss of the mucus a little bit too. Ewwww…. The bed and the sun and the heartbeats almost made me fall asleep. The only real shocker was that my usually nonexistent blood pressure had sky rocketed. What is skyrocketing? For other people it’s just a little high, but for me, who usually has the nurses and docs having trouble FINDING my pressure because it’s so low, that is a little too much for them.

I don’t think Nut will come on time. I think he is going to be normal. One, they are watching the BP like hawks. May have to crack the sucker out if it gets too worrisome. Two, I put my next doc appointment for Nut (March 6th) in my calendar in pen. Everything I put in pen on the planner never happens. It get canceled or moved. Opps.

I want my body back.

Dinner tonight with the Edwards. Not feeling so hot though.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

aaaahhhhh valentine's.

Always great when your husband calls you a bitch.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Castro bound for a baby shower....

My baby shower was actually pretty damn fun. Even with all the shock and news, I had fun. It was in SF at Capri’s. We walk in and Pat, my godmother, has had the waiters put peanuts all over the settings. Then our favorite flaming waiter, Daniel, waits on us. He asked if we would name the baby after him. I told him we were going to do that if it was a girl but bummer, it’s a boy.

“So you are having the shower in the Castro?”

Hahahahaha….. Yup, let’s confuse the dear lad in-vitro.

Moe did an excellent job with the games. There were only two, the “don’t say the B word” game and guess how many socks are in the bottle game. This is excellent because I am not really a big game person every once and awhile. Lez, Moe’s sister, got me good. I was winning the baby word game and had all these clips in my hair, thanks to Zanna who put them there, and Lez hands me these cute blue booties. ”Hey, what do the booties say?”

I look, I squint, and I don’t notice Lez and Zanna grinning at each other.

“Uhh… baby?”

”Pay up!”

D’oh!!!!

It was a great time. Jo got Nut a college bond (holy moley!) and I think that M, the “dog father”, was hilarious because he bought Nut a stuffed dog because “I’m the dog father and it’s brown like me.”

The other godfather forgot about the shower, even though he was at our house until one am the night before.

Bear wants to revoke his godfather status. I am a nice person but I don’t blame him.

Really tired again. More to come.

Moe, you rock (since I know you are reading this.) :P

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Remember how I was worried about the third thing of the bad things in threes?

The third shoe drops.

I was waiting for it to happen. Today, right before the baby shower, it fell hard and fast leaving me with no wind in my gut and in a sense of fog. My cousin Kim, mom of Julia (19) and Anna (17), of the Joseph Clan, has terminal cancer. She’s 52. According to Carol, the mama of the whole clan and Kim’s mom in law, it’s pancreatic and spread to her liver.

Needless to say, once again, the shock has set in of death etc. Pancreatic cancer is usually a death sentence from anywhere from 2 months to no more then a year away. Average? Three months. I was just chatting with her at Xmas too.

Jules is upset. Well, no shit. I sent her an email and said if you wanna talk let me know. My mom died when I was 20. Jules is at my Alma matter studying social work with all my former professors. We are a lot a like. She said she didn’t want to talk. I said, I get it but the offer always stands. Not much else you can say after that.

Holy shit.

Then I had to go to my baby shower. There will be more on that later because I am exhausted and although I think I pulled off a really good face during the shower, shocked out of my mind and depressed. Go figure.

Oh yeah, and since I am due in about 3 weeks and I have to do my thesis, these entries are going to get slimmer and slimmer. Sorry.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Help,

I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch,

I have lost myself again

Lost myself and

I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself again

and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

I really don't have time for this. Lots of stuff to do and the face of the planet to drop off of.

see you later.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

I feel gross. Morning sickness sucks

MY asked me if my postsecret last week was the one about having cancer so I could cut off my breasts. Nope. Strike one. He was shocked. he was sure that he pegged that as mine.

Nope.

BLOGGERS BEWARE

Someone hacked my account and erased my entries. Makes me want to move to my space even though I HATE that site.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

When I come to terms, to terms with this….
My world will change for me.
I haven’t moved since the call came….

All right, I am on to the depressed stage of grieving. Hey, at least I am moving with it, I think. Kristie and I were talking on our phones, though expensive, about these stages. She’s now to depressed. I am depressed and pissed because I know that K was having troubles with her diabetes but “couldn’t afford the meds” etc because she didn’t qualify for the assistance from the government.

FUCKING BUSH

So, in that lovely loophole of health care that Bush won’t look at, but he will drop another 120 billion to a war we have no right fighting, my young and talented friend dies.

Oh, now I am super pissed.

Can somebody tell me know, who is the terrorist?
Can somebody tell me now, am I alone in this?