The Peanut Chronicles

Friday, March 31, 2006

Disaster!!!!

Disaster has struck. Today we had an emergency room visit. I am sure you can image the panic that set in: me, frazzled, carrying screaming Nut… and cat carrier. Oh, I am sorry, did I forget to mention it was an ER trip to the VET? Opps… my bad.

That’s right, Mr. Moo man has a huge gash along his face. In fact, it goes right down between his eyes. His fur fell out hence it’s been there for at least a day but is infected. Doc. K gave him a shot and so drugs to try to head it off but if it swells up… MR. Man has to have his face shaved and lanced. Half of me sort f wants to have it swell, just so I can laugh at the cat. However, I think the ego is hurting already seeing as his ass was kicked by not only a GIRL but also a GIRL who isn’t even one yet!! Hahaha…

Today’ s thesis work is not going too well. Finicky Peanut is making sure of that and I have no sitter. I thought the bro in town from Sydney might show up but he says no. It’s ok though, I need a break. Plus, Bear wants to take Nut to a BBQ (IN THE RAIN???!) at “the guy’s” place. Just what my Nut needs at 4 weeks old, a bunch of midlife crisis boys complaining about their lives and lack of love lives. But, if it gets me some time to relax, maybe take a bath with my book that I have been reading oh-so-painfully-slowly (maybe a page a day?), do some homework and maybe take a nap, who am I to bitch?

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Project update

65 pages, 23,444 words.

Now I need to walk away from it for awhile and get my bearings straight and remember that not all men as assholes.

I am going to clean the black hole known as my desk and listen to music. Or deal with Nut who is beginning to Fuss.

Correct me if I am wrong....

A four week old baby needs a baby sitter so that his mom can work on her thesis. She needs about an hour or two, just to get uninterrupted work done. She sends out an email to various friends, godparents and even the dreaded grandfather. The grandfather returns the email saying he and his wife (who is not considered any part of the family by Baby's mom and dad for amny MANY reasons) would love to babysit and "what time on Thursdays" and "can you bring the Baby to us?"

Now, mom, thinking logically, ponders this question. The first main objective is the immense dislike for Grandfather's wife. No way in hell, thinks mom, that the baby will EVER consider this THING his Grandmother (Grandmother is dead. Case closed.) Second, Dad doesn't really like or fee comfortable around this woman either, since she tried hijacking the wedding as the "mother of the bride".

Next, by the time the Mom gets home from work, loads the baby into the car with diaper bag, toys, stroller, and anything else that might be needed, it will be rush hour on one of the most congested hiways in Northern California. The 25 minute drive will be about 35-50 minutes.

Furthermore, the Grandfather's house has no baby proofing or any baby supplies, hence more packing would be needed by the already stressed Mom.

finally, by the time the mom gets home to work on her thesis, it will be over an hour since she originally left her house. Soon after arriving, she'll have to turn around and go get the baby from the grandfather's house.

All this is quite logical to the mom. Why doesn't the grandfather, who is semi-retired, meet the mom at her house and stay there with the baby? That way, if anything is needed, mom is there, JUST IN CASE, to help out. Mom can offer lots of movie entertainments, food and books. Besides, mostly the baby just sleeps. This seems logical, does it not?

Mom emails the Grandfather, politely laying out these items that were debated over and analyzed. Mind you, Mom and Grandfather don't really get along that well, but still , the baby would probably want to hang out with at least one grandparent and now is the chance for the grandfather to redeem himself.

Alas, all this l ogic is lost on the Grandfather as his response to the email is "I am not willing to go to your house. What time can you or Dad bring Baby here?"

un-fucking-believable.

I guess I can sum it up as "grandfather's loss."

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

interesting

today is the trial run for my sister to watch NUt. yes, I will be here. I will be in the office doing my thesis. all in all it should be interesting.

Bear told me that the inlaws bought Nut clothes at Baby Gap because "Target is so lower class." (Uhhh..... don't make me start on you people.) What did they get him? Airplanes of course even though Bear said no more planes. I told bear to return the damn things. if they are going to be rude and not respect our wishes then there is going to be a big problem here. he is going to keep the baby flight jacket though. now Nut and Bear can be twins.

gee... no pressure on the Nut or anything.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

project update

58 pages, 20,259 words... and still much more to cover.

Alas, I just remembered that I have Prof. M work to do as well. Crap, that's due tomorrow. time to break for it.

Nut's day with dad

The Bear took Nut to a supervised visit with the evil in-laws. Nut slept the whole time and probably never realized he was there. Mom in law was babysitting Aunt M’s kid while she went shopping with her friends. In-law says kid looks just like me. (This in-law was the one who suggested the paternity test when finding out I was preggers). Aunt M came home and said he was cute and calm and that I am “so lucky to have a husband who will do this type of stuff” for me because her boyfriend “doesn’t do shit.” I told Bear to remind her that he only does it once a week and I have the other 6 days. What I really wanted to say was something like, “it was your choice to be with the guy, don’t blame me that I have it better.” Guess who was infatuated with the Nut? Uncle M. I have no problem with this because, despite everything that the evil in-laws had said and done, I really like Uncle M because he doesn’t get involved in the bullshit. I also met him when he was 14 and in my opinion he was able to make his own judgments about me. It’s also really cool that I ma from Humboldt and could get him the coolest stuff from Humboldt for his birthdays and Christmas. Yes, I have no problem with M watching Nut unsupervised.

But the cousin…. Here are the reasons why Bear had decided that the Nut won’t be chilling with his cousin anytime soon.

1. The house has been hot boxed several times this past year with the baby in it. What are the effects of that on developmental abilities?

2. Aunt M’s boy friend has left his UNLOCKED, LOADED gun on the living room table, despite her requesting it be locked.

3. The kid eats no thing but junk food

4. The boy friend has a temper and an attitude problem and is escalating

5. The kid runs around the house, picking things up and throwing them. He’s not even one yet and mom doesn’t bother to tell him no.

6. If kid doesn’t get what he wants, he starts screaming. Mom always gives in.

At Peet’s getting a black coffee and a cookie. I also get an Irish breakfast tea and add two sugars and cream. I turned around and walked over to where Bopa was sitting and waiting. He looks like he always has: an ancient version of Yurtle the Turtle, with his cap and cane.

We start to talk as I give him the coffee.

“So how is the baby?”

“He’s good. He sneezes like you. 12 in a row you know.”

“Well, he is my namesake. He’s a cutie too. You used to cry like him you know. The only way to get you to be quiet was to walk you in a pram. I guess he takes after you.”

“Guess so.”

“How’s the bear? Still flying?”

“Yeah… he had a job offer but he isn’t going to take it because he doesn’t think that I could handle him being gone for so long.”

“That’s a shame. Do you think it might really be because he loves that kid so much? I have been watching…”

“Maybe.”

“How’s school?”

“Same shit different day.”
“How is the thesis going? You getting around to it?”

“It’s ok I guess. Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes it’s easy. Sometimes the words just come right out, sometimes they are blocked.”

Bopa just looks at me and sips his coffee. I decided to ask him a few questions. This is how our banter always was and probably always will be.

“Sooooo…..ummm… was that you in the hospital with me or mom?”

“You already know the answer to that Bub.”

I laugh

“You are the king of double talk and avoiding the question.”

Bopa sticks his tongue out at me and smiles his seven-tooth smile.

“You learned from the best then.”

I just watch the sun filter through the windows.

“How are Kim and Krystel? They ok?”

Again it’s met with a smile and a slight nod.

“They are fine kiddo, just fine.”

We sit and sip more coffee. I know what I want to ask but it’s touchy. Finally I decide to bite the bullet:

“Umm… Bopa? I was wondering… is…”

He interrupts me, “No. The answer is no.”

I feel relieved. I don’t have to voice the one thing that was really bothering me.

Bopa finishes his coffee and gets up to walk himself out of the shop.

“Where are you going?”

“You already know the answer to that too Bub. I’ll see you around. Besides, the alarm is going off and you need to feed that kid!” He smiles, puts on his glasses and walks out into the sun leaving me alone in the coffee shop with my tea.

The alarm is going off and I opened my eyes to a rainy 4am and the Bear snoring quietly at my side.

So was it a dream? Was it wishful thinking? Was it real? The answer is something I don’t know. The images were so clear that unlike a dream, several hours after waking up I can remember our conversation word for word. I can remember the smell of the coffee shop, the clothes that he was wearing, the taste of the coffee and tea, the loudness of the espresso machines in the background, the hum of the other customers, the brightness of the sun… how can that be a dream?

“Did you think that you were dreaming? Sometimes I don’t know.”
-Counting crows, ‘round here (live)

Monday, March 27, 2006

Project update

54 pages. I am calling it quits for the night. Here's hoping for some restful sleep. Not too likely though.

"I hurt easy, I just don't show it. you can hurt somebody and not even know it."

Melt down. I need a break from the thesis. My head hurts and I am having issues with it. Currently we are at 50 pages. Research is painstakingly slow but at least my reader for the project says she will read my BOOKLET over spring break. Does that mean that we are beginning to see eye to eye? Probably not. I am sure she’ll rip it apart still but at least she finally acknowledged it’s a booklet and not a major academic paper. Well it’s actually that too but you know what I mean.

The bear and the nut are in the other room having “dude time”. I wonder sometimes what my son will be like when he gets older. Is it irrational that I fear he will become an asshole or an abuser? Do I worry that he will become the type of person I can’t bring myself to forgive? Yes. All the time. Who is going to teach him the lessons that are so important but no one will talk about because it’s so damn touchy? Bear? HA! Bear can’t even take responsibility for his own messes every once and awhile. It’s gonna be me. I know it is. Part of motherhood. I just have to work up the guts to do it.

Guts. I don’t have guts really. I can fake it with the best of them but when push comes to shove on certain issues, I can’t talk. I am frozen like a deer in headlights. It scares the hell out of me too.

Ok, now I am on to rambling. I think that this is stressing me out too much. I need to shut down my brain and do something frivolous for a while. Otherwise I am going to go into a shock of some sort and not be able to function at the most basic level and that wouldn’t be good. In fact, it’s time for me to go be a moo moo for a bit.

I miss my Bopa. Ironically, Peanut, the namesake of Bopa, has one of Bopa’s attributes. When he sneezes, it’s not one or two sneezes; it’s at least three or more. I wonder if this is a reincarnation type of thing. Or maybe it’s wishful thinking. I just miss talking to him, especially when my brain hurts.

Off to moo moo land.

yes, I am already a bad influence

Yup. Rain. No wonder my knee was aching.

I am probably going to hell for this and corrupting the NUt already. Bear came home from work early. his flights were rained out. he brought with him... his father. oh lordy....

BEar and the inlaw want to take Nut with them to lunch. this is fine by me, I get a break to do thesis (which I am breaking from now) and sleep. nevermind the fact that my father in law hates me and everything I am (I believe his exact words were "worthless poor white trash".) So they come to pick up Nut. I am holding him and before I hand him over I start signing to him. I know that at 3.5 weeks old he proabably can't know what I am saying but it was fun to do anyway. In law was curious to know what I was saying. I smiled and said, "it's a secret."

What was I saying?

"Ok Peanut, you are going with daddy and grandpa M. remember, Grandpa M is an idiot and don't beleive a word he says about your mommy, OK? that's my boy. just remember: grandpa M is an idiot."

Yes, I am going to hell.

ouch

my head hurts. it always hurts in the same spot. I have gotten off most of the meds and pain killers but this stupid ache in the head is causing a lot of grief. I am worried it's some side effect of the BP, which dropped and then went right back up the ONE DAY that I didn't have my pills. now it's dropping again (133/85) but this constant head problem is bothersome. I eat enough, I sleep when I can, I drink more water then I can hold really... and nothing is working.

Nut screeching isn't helping really. Bear last night was so frustrated because he couldn't get Nut to stop crying and screaming. he just didn't know what the Nut wanted and it was driving him insane.

HAHAHAHA.... welcome to my days. and he now maybe understands why I seem a little grouchy.

My thesis project is up to 40 pages. that is with no real layout or major parts of the paper completed. I am not too worried. however, the school department movign the due date up has pissed me off. Plus, the showcase at the University is on the 11th of May but you need to register by the 21st of April. I think it would be good for me to sit at a table and discuss and handout my booklet. good for the resume, and for contacts. the main question is now "can I do it? can I finish in time?" I am not too sure but I am sure as hell trying. People are coming to watch Nut in the next month or so in order for me to work my ass off. it all starts with my sis watching him on wednesday. this should be interesting.

Speaking of sis watching him... she came over last night and learned how to do everything BUT she kept talking to Nut with a lisp! ("wha a cute widdle baby wu are!") this drives me mad!! Nut was toungue tied and still might have scar tissue from that causing a lisp and I don't need the sis to encourage it! It old her she could sign to the baby if she wanted ("I don't remember any ASL") but knock that lisp off. according to her, that is what she does when she sees something cute and adorable. thank you very much for the compliment but KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF!!! Bear and I don't like baby talk. (stop laughing now!!!) We know about all the studies that show that baby talk impeed knowledge growth. this is going to be an uphill battle, I can already tell.

Looks like rain.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

So not funny...where the hell do people get off???

Yesterday was a lovely day with Claudia and Mariposa. I still think she was nuts to drive all the way down here but hey, it was much appreciated. Plus, it’s always fun to hangout with buddies from college. Best of all, Claudia and Mari took Nut out to the mall (which has become quite ghetto since I was younger) and let me and the Bear have some alone time for adults. Yes, we were a little naughty. Or I should say as naughty as one can get after giving birth three weeks earlier. Tehee… mostly, however, we took a nap.

Nut had fun at the mall with the girls. However, there were some stories that they told me that made my eyebrows shoot up and my claws come out. For example, Mari was trying on clothes at “forever 21” and Claudia was with Nut waiting for her. Mari handed Claudia some clothes to hang on the “return” rack behind her. Claudia didn’t even take her hand of the stroller; she was right next to the rack and turned to hang up the clothes. Then she tells me this “big, fat lady” says, while looking at MY SON, “who’s baby can I steal?” or something to that extent.

Excuse me?!!!

Claudia, thankfully, brought her claws out instantly and said, “not mine” and watched her. Mari heard the whole thing too. They tell me this while I am pumping last night. So if I was worried that I had no motherhood instinct, well, I know that isn’t true instantly. My response to that was quick and loud. Even if the lady was joking, now I am super concerned. I live next tot the mall. Holy fuck. So not funny. So very not funny.

Damn it, my kid is cute! Now I am going to worry and worry and worry and I highly doubt that this will change anytime soon. Or ever for that matter. I mean, who says something like that? It’s probably a good thing that Claudia was there and not me because I would have gone off and had a fit at her. Seriously folks.

All right, back to el thesis. It’s about 40 pages now. Not even close to being done. Tee hee. However, now it is due earlier then expected so I am in a rush to find sitters for Nut so I can just work on the paper. I don’t care if the sitters sit here and watch TV or movies as Nut sleeps and I’m in the office. I just need to work my ass off on this. Eeekkkkk!!!!!

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Nut's grand debut, my small world and I need grown up time

The Nut made his university debut yesterday at the “it’s never that obvious” conference on Domestic Violence. I didn’t really expect any of the folks that I know to be there. We are all graduating and no one really needs an extra unit. I was wrong. I walk in and the first person I see is the Hippie Prof at the check in table. She loved Nut and said, “If you want someone to hold him today let me know.” I walked into the conference room and it was packed. I saw a few classmates but there were no seats near them. Besides, I wanted to stay in the back in case Nut acted up. I made my way to the back of the room and was followed; it turns out, by everyone in my class. They were all so excited to FINALLY see the Nut. I got a lot of, “he’s beautiful” and “just perfect.” Then people began to say how good I looked. It was odd though, because I can’t just take a compliment. I am always waiting for the backhanded swipe that comes after the compliment. It’s force of nature due to all the shit the bro gave me for about 20 years.

It was also an interesting day because my worlds collided. I was talking with the Pig and I heard some one behind me say, “K? Is that you?” I ignored it. There are a lot of K’s. It’s a common name. However, I couldn’t ignore the “KC?” Pig looked at the girl calling my old name behind me and said, “uhh… I think someone is talking to you?”

“Ummm… no. Not me.” (Usually when this happens I have a few options. I ignore them, because it’s a mistaken identity. I fake a brogue and do the mistaken identity. Or eventually I give in. I opted for the first.)

Unfortunately, the girl would not let it go and walked right up to me and exclaimed “KC! IT IS YOU!! Oh my god, how long has it been?”

Standing in front of me was a girl who looked a little familiar, like from a dream. Curly long reddish blond hair, five feet tall, really REALLY thin, and dark brown green eyes. I had no idea who she was. Like I said, it was like a dream I knew I KNEW her but I couldn’t place a name, place or even a time. If she was calling me K it was before I was 21 that I knew her.

Turns out that it was Monique, a girl I used to do a show with and work with. She has gotten older (I think that she is about 34 or 35 now). She is still a beauty queen (literally). What I wanted to know was what the hell was Monique doing at a conference like this one? Last time I saw her it was under very usually circumstances, which I am not going to say here because there is a good shot my brother is reading this. :P Turns out that she stopped her job, went back to school and is now finishing her master in psychology! Holy crap! Even better is that she quit her coke habit and is in a healthier relationship too. I am impressed that she quit, it’s a hard thing to do, especially the amount of coke she did (you wonder how she was so skinny).

Then she starts on me: “wow… you look great.”

This I KNOW is a lie. A polite term to make small talk. I don’t look anywhere near what I looked like a decade ago.

“Well, I just had a baby.” I point to the Nut.

“Oh my god… he is so cute!! Do you know who the father is?”

Sigh…only Monique would be dumb enough to ask a question like that.

“Uhh… my husband.” I flash my left hand at her. Her jaw drops. Starting a tangent she goes off a mile a minute on how she never thought that I would get married or settle down or anything. I just smiled and cooed at the nut. Monique is still Monique I have discovered, even a decade later.

The conference started and was actually a great diversion from the classmates and old folks I knew who wanted to play with Nut. He really was a hit I guess. We only stayed for half of the conference and then went and picked up the check…

Yes… the check… the stipend check… the one and only 9250 dollar check! Wohoo!!! Wohoo!!! And I get another one in two weeks or so! Yea!! The bear was thrilled the check finally came as well. Now we can pay some bills and rent and what not.

Speaking of Bear… what a paranoid person he has become the last few weeks. And I know whom I have to thank for that. Every time I am tired, or cranky, or moody, he says, “This isn’t post partum depression is it??” Every time he says that he makes me bundle what ever I am feeling into a bottle and act happy because god forbid I feel tired… or sore… or moody… or frustrated. No no! That is simply not allowed. I have to be happy for him 24/7 and a fucking trophy wife. Case in point… Last night all I wanted to do was go out with friends and see a movie. Something WITHOUT the Nut because I am getting very isolated here and he doesn’t see it because he had the option of leaving the house. Where do I go if I leave? Anywhere… as long as the Nut is with me. We walk the neighborhood. We run around town. However, I need grown up time. So Moe comes up here and we wind up going out to dinner with Bear and his student/wife/newborn. And guess what they did? Talked airplanes leaving me to talk about what? Babies? With someone I don’t really know that well? I am trapped in a trophy wife thing. It sucks. I need adult time.

Don't get me wrong, dinner was ok. The glass of wine helped with that. I just wish I didn’t have to have the Nut with me as well.

Rant over, must work on thesis before Mariposa and Claudia get here. Mari drove all the way down from Eureka just to hang with Nut so I can sleep! Niiice.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

My BP this morning was 117/76

My BP this evening was 125/84

I hope to hell to get off these meds soon!

Off to be a moo cow while Nutter is asleep.

It's a beautiful day in the nieghborhood

I got out of the house. Yes, with the Nut, but I got out all the same. this morning Nut wouldn't stop crying. He ate, pooped, and burped but to no avail. let's face it folks, I had on my hands one fussy little man.

So Nut and I went for a walk. I put him n his stroller and wandered all over my neighborhood. it really was a pretty day, cool and crisp. Like clockwork, the Nut was asleep in just a few minutes into the walk. So I wandered, listening to my iPod, and enjoyed the beauty of it all. (beautiful moment: listening to "the Blowers daughter" by damian rice while walking down a lane surrounded in cherry trees that were blooming and the wind was letting the blossoms fall.) IT was the equinox on Monday so Spring is offically here.

Of course, the minute we got home, Nut woke up. I put him in his car seat next to the humming refridgerator. he likes that. hopefully he will go back to sleep so I can be a cow and take a shower.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

my thesis project is now roughly up to 25 pages or so. and that was all done while preggers and when Nut was asleep. Am I anywhere near done? Nope. and I am absoultuly sure that my first reader will DESTROY it when I submit it to her. we aren't seeing eye to eye. But hey, isn't that what the second reader is for?

Ugh... I am covered in baby spit up. I really need to have a break from the babe and get out of the house to somewhere BESIDES doctor appointments for the Nut. I miss having a life.

"When I was sure you'd follow through..."

Something wonderful happened last night. Something fabulous. Something that almost made me cry.

I was laying in bed and bear came in. The Nut had gone to sleep (finally!) in his car seat and we put it in the cradle. Yes, he hates the cradle but loves the car seat. Bear crawled into bed next to me and snuggled up weaving his arm over and through my shoulders. He kissed my neck and whispered goodnight.

Nut began to scream, the cats were running up and down the hall at breakneck speed, knocking things over as they went and bear was snoring. None of this made any difference to me though because I was so happy. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt safe.

And that’s all that mattered. :)

Monday, March 20, 2006

being digusting worked! yea!! No, wild horses won't drag what the hell I am talking about out of me. Not even Bear.

Cyclone hit Austraila. Actaully, it's where the bro is. he says no biggie though. uhh... OK. which brings the debate of what a cycolne is: a tornado or a hurricane? I thought it would be funny if there was a torando in the "land of OZ". what can I say, i read too many books.

Nut is currently rocking in his swing. we have decided to feed him on demand instead of waking the baby. this works well and hopefully he will gain some weight. at the doc visit he wasn't quite up to his birth weight again. he was 8lbs. he was shy 2oz. I don't know really what else to do.

while it's quite I think I will try for some thesis work (HAHAHA).

the bear flew to Orange County today DESPITE my bad dreams about plane crashes. but then again I was flying in the dream. he promised to pull the parachute for the plane if there were any slight issues. I feel better but I still want him home. the weather is crappy too.

Blood pressure this morning was 129/84. better then what it has been (157/104) but still no where near what it usually is.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Cows? In Berkeley? Mooo....

I feel like a cow. After hearing way too many opinions from Kaiser and getting rather confused about which is the best form of delivering breast milk to the baby, we have decided to go with the doctor’s advice: bottle it. Screw all the lactation consultations and their varying and clashing advice. So ever two hours or so I turn into a cow. “Moo with me.”

I am exhausted. My meds are beginning to take a toll with interactions. I had to do something completely DIGUSTING today to get relief. That’s all I’ll say about that. More then likely I will have to do it again too. Ugh.

Nut is now being fed when he is hungry. Waking the baby to feed him on a schedule has proven way too much for the baby. He screeches for a good 2 hours and refuses food if we do that. Hey, as long as he is eating and gaining weight I am not going to worry.

Claudia came over on Thursday and brought us a bunch of Chinese food for the week. She’s back again today doing baby duty so I can rest. Now that’s a friend. She also has been doing stuff around the house (laundry, cleaning etc) because she knows that I really need to sleep.

Speaking of sleep… I am off for a nap before Nut wakes again and is fussy and before I have to be gross.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

HIghlights of the arrival of the Nut (or why I should get better health coverage)

Let me just say one thing now. Kaiser Permanente health coverage, for all their quaint commercials and homeopathic remedies, for all their “we work with the patient” advertising, for all their “putting your health first” propaganda… well, they are full of shit.

My water breaks as I wake up from a nap at 6pm on the 2nd. I was going to make dinner seeing as I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch and that was only some apple. No can do. Off to the hospital. After being admitted, I ask if I can eat something light. Nope. One of the nurses relented at about 2am and brought me a small thing of Jell-O.

The nurse takes my blood when I am settled into the delivery ward. She then throws it out by accident and has to redraw it. What the hell?

All those hippie breathing classes meant shit. All those poses we learned? Yeah, the nurses would only let me sit or lay down. My BP was too high to stand or walk of shower or anything.

By noon the next day they finally understand to give me a drug. Drugs are good. I pass out for about 20 minutes.

By the time it is time to push I have been awake for almost 21 hours. I haven’t eaten in over thirty. Now they want me to hold my legs up, my arms up and push. Luckily the Bear and Moe held my legs, I couldn’t even hold my arms up.

One nurse was annoying the hell out of me so I told her to shut up. She did.

Two hours of pushing, epidural has worn off, and I can’t do it. I just can’t. And any one who knows me knows that if I say that I can’t do it the I CAN’T DO IT. Do the nurses listen? The midwife? Nope.
By this time I am delirious. And hallucinating. And disassociating. Literally, I was walking down the halls, in different cities, talking to dead people. The nurses thought I was resting between contractions. HA!

The doc comes in, looks at the BP, which has been in stroke level this whole time, looks at the baby, realizes he’s not coming out and decided an emergency c-section is in order. My response? “Get the little fucker out of me.”

I don’t remember signing the consents. I do remember Don the drug man giving me a better epidural this time from the chest down. I don’t remember getting wheeled into surgery. I do remember the bear showing up in the room in scrubs. I do remember shaking, no, CONVULSING. The doc said it was normal. OK.

Peanut didn’t cry right away. I was worried. Don the drug man said don’t worry.

Then he started crying.

Bear goes with Nut to the nursery as they stitch me up. It takes longer then anticipated because I was loosing too much blood. And my stats were falling. Not good.

Don’t really remember recovery room.

Once in the maternity ward, they drug me with… MORPHINE. Oh great. I know what’s going to happen. (I got morphine once before after a small accident when I was 19)

2am rolls around and I am covered in bugs. Not really, and I logically say to myself, “you aren’t covered in bugs” but still I am itching everywhere. They give me another drug to combat that.

230am I spike a fever and infection. More drugs.

4am the nurse wants me to go for a walk. I make it 10 steps before I am dizzy and need to sit down. She’s worried. I chalk it up to the fact that I STILL have NOT eaten, have only had maybe 2 hours of sleep in the last 30+ hours, and just had major surgery. But hey, who am I to say?

The nurses finally feed me at 11 am the next day. It has been exactly 47.5 hours since I last ate.

The doc informs us that both Nut and I had dropping vitals during delivery, I bleed out, my BP almost gave me a stroke or heart attack and the Nut was literally lodged in my pelvis so they had to not only c-section me but cut open the pelvis and push him out. Nice. Should I have more kids? No.

The nurses decide to forget to give me my painkillers on time for the next three days.

The IV line start was never changed, despite the blood in it.

They give me blood because I am bleeding too much. Blood, but no painkillers.

They brought a belt for me to wear to make walking to the nursery easier but forgot to mention what it was or how to wear it.

They see my BP drop and release me on Monday afternoon.

My BP spikes the NEXT DAY. On meds now.

The next day I feel something hanging out of my vagina. I go to the doc. She tells me I have stitches down there. Another thing they forgot to mention.

Last but not least…

Kaiser calls us on Friday and tells us that we owe 800 bucks for our hospital treatment and wants a credit card number over the phone.

“Didn’t anyone come talk to you in the maternity ward?”

“NO.”

“Oh… they were supposed to talk to you about billing up on your check out.”

So we ask to be sent a bill. Paper trail and all.

“We don’t do that anymore. If you want a print up we charge you.

Anyway, this must be paid by tonight otherwise tomorrow it goes into collection.”

WHAT THE FUCK????

Bear goes down to Kaiser, bitched them out, paid the bill and got the paper copy free of charge. I mean really, who is dumb enough to give a credit card over the phone?

Here's the icing on the cake: later that night Kaiser calls us saying we haven't paid our bill. Totally not shitting you. Bear pulls out the reciept and proceedes to begin bitching out the lady, who all of a sudden realizes the reciept was right there in front of her on the computer screen all along.

yeah.

Those are my highlights. I have six meds to take. For 630 bucks a month, you would think that they would have better service. I think their problem is that they just got too big for their britches.

Friday, March 10, 2006

best diet ever

last thursday I weighed 225 lbs.
Tuesday I weighed 206
today? 198

lost

i feel like i am on an episode of lost where i have to hit the button every 108 minuyes otherwise some screetchung will take place but my button us a boob and the screetchibg is a nut.

needless to say, bear and i have shifts. he's8pm to 2am and i am 2am-8am.

not to mention i have SIX pills i have ti take every 3 hours. most important is the bp med.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Don't ask what this is in reference to

I picture you in the sun

wondering what went wrong

And falling down on your knees

asking for sympathy

And being caught in between

all you wish for and all you seen

And trying to find anything

you can feel that you can believe in

May god’s love be with you

Always

May god’s love be with you

I know I would apologize

if I could see your eyes’

cause when you showed me myself

I became someone else

But I was caught in between

all you wish for

and all you need

I picture you fast asleep

A nightmare comes

You can’t keep awake

May god’s love be with you

Always

May god’s love be with you

’cause if I find

If I find my own way

How much will I find

If I find

If I find my own way

How much will I find

You

I don’t know anymore

What it’s for

I’m not even sure

If there is anyone who is in the sun

Will you help me to understand

’cause I been caught in between

all I wish for and all I need

Maybe you’re not even sure what it’s for

Any more than me

May god’s love be with you

Always

You'll shoot your eye out!.

ahhhh.... some humerous antidotes of being awake for a few:
1. Peanut's aim is great. pisses on dad every shot he gets
2. Nut actually mangaed to pee on his own face this morning at the doctor. it stopped his crying pretty quick. that's my talented little boy.
3. I squirted the Nut in the eye. enough said.
4. woke up this morning to find my breasts took part of Alice's mushroom during the night. can we say "36F"?? Holy shit!

going back to bed

Monday, March 06, 2006

Peanut. Here.
Me. Pain.
highlights later.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Here we go...

A pop

a gush

I am going to the hospital

Wow… today I got my fourth blood draw in two weeks. I had an intern do it too. He asked if it was ok first. I guess some people feel uneasy. Considering I am interning at a hospital I always try to give the interns a chance. However, after last week in labor and delivery, I think I’ll pass on those interns.

Anyway, he couldn’t find a vein. Not surprising though, these are my whacked out veins. I am used to it.

Tomorrow I go to get yet another NST. fun fun fun. Fly Girl is coming with because she wants to see the Nut before she leaves for Hungry for a month. Bear wants to hire her as a Nanny when she gets back. sounds ok to me.

Momma C was trying to warn me that when she gave birth to her 4th child (out of five) her BP jumped in the final weeks too and NEVER went back to normal. I know this is just a warning and sharing of stories etc but it’s enough to freak a girl out. Now she is hypertensive at age 35. Eeekkk.

I got an email from the VA today with…. Wait for it… a possible fellowship upon graduation. Niiiiiice. I had turned in my resume yesterday at the field fair and just chatted with the lady. The email was nice to get. They aren’t hiring anyone now but there is a paid fellowship starting in the low 50s. With health care I might add. Plus this gives me more access to governmental jobs. So she knows I am preggers and is going to submit my resume in June when the interviews begin but I was “the most qualified candidate with a diverse resume” that she had spoken with.

And now we do the happy dance.

I was trying to hide the whole Peanut thing under a big black jacket last night at the fair. Didn’t work really. Ran into Prof. Bubbles. She rubbed my belly, which was cool because Bubbles is one of my favorite Profs. Then I ran into E, the head of the SW department. She stopped, looked at me while I was answering baby questions to classmates and said, “I didn’t know you were pregnant!” My first thought in my head was, “Funny, I didn’t know that you knew my name.” I still think she doesn’t. She’s a little out of it.

While I was walking by Prof. M’s table she called out to me, rather loudly, “no baby yet?” So much for keeping it, or attempting to keep it, a secret. Technically, no can discriminate against me for being preggers but still.

Biggest lead? Aside from the VA? General Hospital city case management. They saw that I was already at the affiliated hospital to them and starred my résumé. Yea!!!

My new favorite song is In the Sun by Michael Stipe. Maybe it’s because in the past two months I know three people and two cats that have died. (The cats count!! They were 22 and 18 years old!!!) It’s really a beautiful song but only available on iTunes. Hurricane Katrina relief.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

My schmoo....

My bear is funny. My bear is wonderful. My bear is a total asshole sometimes so don’t cross him. Today, My bear called el doctoro at Kaiser. No, not the advice line, not the nurses in the OB-GYN area, the ACTUAL DOCTOR’S PHONE LINE. And he kept calling until she picked up to talk about the BP issues and what is fuck is going on.

So guess what? I get another blood draw today or tomorrow (this will be number 4 in two weeks). Another NST on Friday (number 5 in two weeks) and then… if the pressure is still an issue after my appointment on Monday… the nut is being scheduled to arrive on the 9th.

That’s right, induction baby!!!

All because of the elusive Schmoo bear.