The Peanut Chronicles

Monday, March 27, 2006

"I hurt easy, I just don't show it. you can hurt somebody and not even know it."

Melt down. I need a break from the thesis. My head hurts and I am having issues with it. Currently we are at 50 pages. Research is painstakingly slow but at least my reader for the project says she will read my BOOKLET over spring break. Does that mean that we are beginning to see eye to eye? Probably not. I am sure she’ll rip it apart still but at least she finally acknowledged it’s a booklet and not a major academic paper. Well it’s actually that too but you know what I mean.

The bear and the nut are in the other room having “dude time”. I wonder sometimes what my son will be like when he gets older. Is it irrational that I fear he will become an asshole or an abuser? Do I worry that he will become the type of person I can’t bring myself to forgive? Yes. All the time. Who is going to teach him the lessons that are so important but no one will talk about because it’s so damn touchy? Bear? HA! Bear can’t even take responsibility for his own messes every once and awhile. It’s gonna be me. I know it is. Part of motherhood. I just have to work up the guts to do it.

Guts. I don’t have guts really. I can fake it with the best of them but when push comes to shove on certain issues, I can’t talk. I am frozen like a deer in headlights. It scares the hell out of me too.

Ok, now I am on to rambling. I think that this is stressing me out too much. I need to shut down my brain and do something frivolous for a while. Otherwise I am going to go into a shock of some sort and not be able to function at the most basic level and that wouldn’t be good. In fact, it’s time for me to go be a moo moo for a bit.

I miss my Bopa. Ironically, Peanut, the namesake of Bopa, has one of Bopa’s attributes. When he sneezes, it’s not one or two sneezes; it’s at least three or more. I wonder if this is a reincarnation type of thing. Or maybe it’s wishful thinking. I just miss talking to him, especially when my brain hurts.

Off to moo moo land.

1 Comments:

Pollyanna said...: I have boys too. I think it's very natural to worry that your boys will grow up to be not nice men. It's a very scary thought and quite natural I think. I remember sitting at a wedding a few years ago and thinking, "oh my GOD, I am raising somebody's husband!" That is a daunting thought. My husband is a super duper nice guy and I am hoping hoping that will help my boys to be nice men. Your Bear sounds nice as well, so I am sure little Peanut will turn out just fine.

You should also check out Anna's pregnancy blog. It's called Little Pokie.; 8:04 PM