The Peanut Chronicles

Sunday, April 02, 2006

70/30

In my break time that Bear gave me from Nut I took a bubble bath and read my book. The book that I am reading is called Mercy and it’s by Jodi Picoult, the woman who wrote the BEST book that I read last year, My Sister’s Keeper. This book is all right I guess. It’s about love and relationships and what would you do for the person you love.

This leads me into deep thought over what one character said. He said, basically, that love in relationships is never 50/50. It’s always a little skewed and one person winds up loving more. The question just is, who is that person? I have been thinking about that a lot right now.

Let’s be honest, although everyone seems to think that the Bear and I are perfect and lovely, we have hit some major MAJOR bumps along the road. When we were first dating I thought the love was 50/50. After the November incident, I see now looking back on it that it was really 70/30 and I was more in love then he was. Hindsight is an amazing thing. After we were married and he pulled all the bullshit with psycho I realized that it was still 70/30. Now what is it? 70/30, but this time I am the 30.

It’s not that I don’t love him, I really do. It’s just that there is so much one person and one heart can take before the heart is inevitably broken and un-repairable. And, yes, I may have FINALLY sort of forgiven him for the November incident but I still am pissed over psycho. I see her and I see me and I wonder what the hell he was thinking?

The irony is that I am not the only one going through the thoughts of what percentage is love. I got an email from D who wondered the same thing. Does she love more then needed for her relationship?

Looking back on all my relationships there was always a skew. Always. Is it possible that this is just the truth of the matter? I sometimes wonder if it will ever be a 50/50 split. I don’t think it’s possible. Like Jamie in the book says, “someone always loves more.”