The Peanut Chronicles

Nothing. The cow says nothing because that's what I have produced today: nothing. No milk. Nothing. I went to the local lingerie shop and had my breasts measured for new bras. I am back to my regular size.

wow, nothing says, "failure" quite like not being able to produce milk for Nut after 8 weeks.

I'm slipping. I have been feeling it for a few days now. I thought I wouldn't slip anymore after Nut was born. Guess I was wrong.

73:120. yep, that's right.

I went swimming yesterday. I loved it. LOOOOVEEED IT!! I dropped Nut off at the gym day care and realized that I was stalling on leaving him because I had never left him with anyone else before that I didn’t know personally. It was quite a moment for me, trying to trust strangers with my Nut and being able to let go and realize that the world wouldn’t end if I took some time for myself in the pool. It was hard!

But I digress… I went swimming yesterday. I want to do the Escape from Alcatraz swim in San Francisco, CA. I researched it. This year is sold out, last year I was preggers, and so next year I am game. It’s exactly 1.5 miles from the island to the land. It takes me about 2 hours to do that, I think, as I dive into the pool yesterday. 80 laps is a mile. I haven’t been swimming in over 4 months and even then I was only kicking a few laps a swim. So really, it’s bee maybe about 7 months since I tried swimming at all. Needless to say, I was ready for an ass kicking.

What is 73:120? I would like to say that my ass was kicked at 73 laps and it took me 120 minutes to swim it. I would love to say that. But the truth is so much better. I swan 120 laps (in other words 1.5 miles) in 73 minutes. Guess I was in better shape then I thought.

Now I know very well that the pool is nowhere near as complex (or cold I am guessing) as the water of the ocean. But at least it’s a training start, right? Right! After all that swimming I went and sat in the hot tub, yet another thing I haven’t done in months and months. It was nice too, though I am too self-conscious over the scary flaming stretch marks on my gut to go nude.

Nut, in the kid play area, rocked out in a little swing they had for him the entire time that he was there. I couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t cry at once. I wonder if he doesn’t have the separation anxiety that I have.

So much more has happened but as Nut is asleep and I am exhausted, I am going to take a nap!

39,706 words and 115 pages... The Persephone Project is now officially done and in NY for layout. Hopefully, by next week, it will be at the publisher and then published and available to anyone who wants to read it.

I don't usually toot my own horn but I rock.

this semester included many people I know dying suddenly, a baby and a stroke and I still wrote a fucking book!

yep... I rock.

Dear Ms. -------------,

I received your FAX. Thank you for your interest in General Hospital. I am currently reviewing all of the resumes.There are several candidates with extensive experience in acute psychiatry.I will start with them and hold on to your resume for future reference.

Best Wishes

Hmmm... well at least she's keep the resume right? thsi one would have been great. I already work a this hospital (different branch) and it would repay the stipend.

oh well. It would have been a bitch of a commute anyway. :)

"mom, I know that I was screaming and wanting attention and I know that it's 4 in the morning but do you have to take my picture NOW??!! This is embarrassing!! And I bet you are going to put it online too!!"

Heh... I have 18 more years to embarrass him as well. This is just the beginning...

Yesterday, in between thesis freak outs, I had to go all the way out to the university to pick up the paper from the reader. Nut wouldn't stop crying so I asked fly Girl (nanny extrodinare) if she would like to take a ride with me because the car always knocks him out. This way I could park illegally at school and save some time, rather then walk all the way across campus after playing dodge ball with the cars in the parking lot and paying for parking. If the cops came, she could move the car.

she found this logical and I went to get dressed. However, I first had the joy of dealing with Nut who was screaming holy hell in his car seat in my bedroom. I walked in and he got silent. I looked at him as I slipped on my jeans. He was watching me.

"hello little Nut nut nut," says I.

Peanut looks at me and breaks into a huge smile and giggles.

that's right, he giggled. More of a grunt really but you could tell with the flailing hands and goofy grin and twinkle in his eye that he was super happy.

I have so fallen in love with my screaming and cranky son all over again.

:)

Today has been a day ditched of interning to finish the paper of all papers… the Persephone Project. It is in NY with Bluebird as we speak. I have to type up one more interview and then… then… IT’S FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prof. L got back to me at 10 PM last night. He loved it. His comments were mostly just spelling and grammatical which thanks to Moe/Red and Hurricane had already been taken care of. Yeeeehaaaaawwww.

OK, I need to go veg. The next few weeks are going to be difficult I can tell. But then I will have my glorious masters degree.

Pat had a stroke today. his bitch wife called the bear to tell him, not me. niiiice. he lost control of his right arm and will be going home from the hospital tomorrow. Bear didn't ask any of the important pertinant questions like, "When did it take place? how is the speech and motor functions? is his capacity for memory damaged?" etc etc. I was wondering how serious a stroke could be if he was going home in less then 24 hours. I called up Love Child because she is getting her PhD in neropsych. she explained a lot to me. I am not too worried.

So, annoyed with my reader for the thesis project and him not getting back to me, I send, with Fly Girl's proofreading so I don't sound bitchy, this email, on APril 18th:

The time is running short and the countdown is beginning to graduation. With all due respect, I have had to move ahead with my project. I sent it to many different former professors in ----------------- for feedback and they were quite helpful. Although I am still awaiting your feedback, which I would really prefer to have versus former social work professors, the paper you have is very outdated at this point and furthermore, the woman doing the layout and publishing needs the final copy in NY by Friday. The project (the actual booklet that I sent you) is now over 100 pages and almost complete. The paper that is accompanying it (and is in the booklet) is also well beyond what you have. I have added a methodology section to it and began to find the "common threads" for my conclusions.

Unfortunately, push has now come to shove and time is running short, I was hoping, even if you are not finished with it, you had some feedback on at least part of it?

How does he respond? a whole 24 hours later?

Hi Joan,
I’m still putting my comments on your paper, perhaps, I am able to get it back to you this week.
BTW, do you mind if I put this into your mailbox if you often come to school?
Prof. L-----

My response?

Hi Prof. L-------,

I am only at school on Wednesdays but you could put it in my box if you want.

Now I am assuming that he just feels bad because today he sent me this email, as if to make amends or something:

Joan!
I wonder if you're interested in presentation for social justice forum.I guess your topic perfectly fits for the forum.

Best wishes,
L---------

Is this to make amends for fucking me so royally or just the truth? withr way, Ia mtotally going for it. It would be great on my resume. oh yes, and I decided to do the grad showcase forum as well. another resume boosting experiance.

tonight Bear and I had a long discussion about the curve ball. tee hee. not telling what happened. :P

Although I am still technically missing two interviews, coming in at 36,952 words and 110 pages.... My thesis is done!!!

now to the layout with Bluebird in NY!

My jaw is swollen (needed two crowns this morning)
my baby is still sick
I now am sick again
my reader didn't send my thesis (or read it yet for that matter)

but at least I hit the curve ball right?

and we might be buying a house.

that's all that's new

4 weeks and counting, stressed over thesis

I just finished "Harvesting the Heart" by Jodi Picoult.

Best book I have read in a loooong time. So good I took to underlining passages. I want Bear to read it, though I know he won't, because maybe then he will understand some feelings and things about me.

I highly recommend it.

We did it. Bear, Nut and I went to Easter mass yesterday at the local Catholic Church. It was rather pretty too. However, it was probably because I was laughing so damn hard that I got through it all.

Oh yes, it seems that Nut like church as much as his mom does. Mass was looooong and started out in a very Pagan-ish way. They shut off all the lights in the church. Outside there was a storm howling around us, trees shaking their angry fingers at us like we were damned to hell. Then, in the back of the church, the Father lights a flame to symbolize the rebirth of Jesus. It was very pretty and as I sat and swayed with Nut I couldn’t help but think of the bale fires that druids light at the turning of the seasons to symbolize rebirth. While the masses sat in revered silence, praying, Nut in my arms and almost asleep did the unthinkable:

“BBBEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH”

Really, the burp would have made homer and barney proud.

People looked at me and smiled. Most of the people there are in their elder years (or “a see of gray hair” as Big momma C, head of the clan, said later when we visited her to show off the baby) and they smiled. I couldn’t help it. I began to crack up. All of a sudden I am 20 years old again at my mother’s funeral at the same church cracking up all over again. Nut opened his blue eyes and smiled at me before falling fast asleep.

Bear arrived a few minutes later and I whispered to him the events that had just taken place. He grinned and took Nut from me. Midway through the service, right during the pomp and circumstance of the second prayer, in the holy silence, Nut lets loose a fart that could move heaven and earth. We sit in the last pew, shaking with silent laughter. As if he knew he was making his parents crack up, Nut continued to let out a large array of farts for the next few minutes. Even people around us began to laugh a little. Eventually, Bear had to walk out with him. He was laughing g too hard.

All in all it was kind of a nice service. I looked at the amazing stained glass throughout the building. Each window had a different theme. There was St. John the Baptist, Moses receiving law, Abraham and Isaiah, etc. I have the most problem with the last one’s story. What kind of God would say, “Hey, kill your only kid to prove that you believe in me” and at the last minute say, “Just kidding!” I know, it’s about faith.

Most of the mass I spent staring at this little section of the church. It was an alter and it had candles on it as well as a statue in it of a lady. Above the little area was lettering that said, “Shower of Roses”. I texted Moe before mass started, curious what it was. She wrote back she wasn’t too sure. Some how I just feel really drawn to it. I don’t know why.

Peanut and I spent part of the morning today at the ghetto mall again. We came yesterday to do our walk because it was raining out. Today? Well, it’s raining and the hum of the mall puts him fast to sleep. I also did some shopping.

I am a bad mom. I can’t remember nursery rhymes, I discovered yesterday. The fact that I can remember them sent me into a spiral of self-doubt and insecurities. If I can’t remember these, how am I going to do everything else? Why does he scream all day for me but gets quiet when Bear gets here? How does Bear make it look so damned easy? Why am I annoyed with the littlest things?

So who do I call with all these questions? I have no mother to ask for advice so I do the next best thing: I call up McG. I honestly was just going to tell her how amazing I thought she was and how in awe I was that she has raised a normal kid, especially since she had him so young. Instead, I wind up pouring my heart out to her. All my hopes and fears and worries and everything! And she just listened and validated everything, including by telling me she had felt the same way many times over.

It’s weird; I don’t open up to people. I don’t know why. Maybe because I am so ready for them to throw something back at me. Hell, even my closest friends I don’t open up to all the way. Some things are just better left unsaid. But I have to say, it was refreshing just to vent to someone all my secret fears about motherhood.

Another thing about the ghetto mall… while Nut and I were sitting down drinking a coffee this couple walked by with my stroller. However, the father had clearly added a few things to “pimp out” the stroller. There were spinners and decals, almost making it like a racing car or like one of “the guy’s “cars. The couple was clearly arguing over it. It had been a gift. The mom didn’t like it.

In all honesty I don’t blame her. Bear keeps joking that he is going to pimp out our stroller, much to my distain. I told him I didn’t want it because he is never the one who takes Nut out and about, I am!! And I am sorry, but what the hell is he trying to prove by pimping out the stroller? He already bought the biggest one possible. He thinks its’ really cool… however he neglected to see if it would fit in aisles or elevators, or classrooms, or down hallways at the doc, or in offices… all he saw was a cool big SUV like stroller. Is he trying to compensate for something here?

What kills me is that I am the one who has to deal with this monstrosity of a stroller. He has used it once, to walk Nut around the block. I use it daily, in public, in school, at work, around the neighborhood, everywhere. I mention all this to Bear and he tells me that he has promised not to “pimp out” the stroller. WHEW!! It would be too embarrassing for me in general. I am glad that he saw my point of view on this.

I watched the pimped out stroller couple walk by. People watched them. A few laughed and pointed not bothering to keep down their voices of “look at that stroller!” When the man tried to explain that it was a gift from friends I found myself smiling that I know that our friends would never be that stupid. I felt bad for the girl. I know that she is the one who walks the baby. I can tell from the look in her eyes.

Happy Easter all, I have humorous stories of Nut and Church but he is asleep, hence it is time for a nap.

"how far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerent of the weak and strong. because someday, in your life, you will have been all of these"

-G. Carver

In the past day or two I have gotten an interesting remark from two friends when I mention that I have dropped almost all my baby weight in less then 6 weeks after giving birth. The comment?

"you are eating, aren't you?"

thank you ladies for your concern but I am not on my path to self destruction at this moment. Your concern is noted and appreciated. :)

and to the next question that is bound to arise from this, no I am not shooting anything up or snorting anything either.

I am breastfeeding.

you guys rock (and you know who you are!)

This morning Bear and I got into a huge argument. Yes, it was one of those BIG ones. Not the bickering we do every once and awhile but the BIG one. And, believe it or not it was over taking Nut to… Church.

Come again?

Church?

You the one of no faith?

Yeah… the argument was over church. And it’s not in anyways what most people would think. I was the one saying that it’s Easter and we nee d to go to mass.

WHAT??!

Yeah, me, not him. He was arguing that I didn’t give him enough time to schedule it and why should we go? Bullshit, he knew for weeks. I put it on his palm pilot. I reminded him every day for the last week. And now he “magically” has a student? I don’t think so!

Why church and why Peanut? Many reasons that we are keeping private. Many reasons we are not (when your wife is beginning to miscarry a baby that you never thought you could have, when you are told your shots of conceiving are about 1 to 2 percent, when your wife has complications with the baby and the delivery but 6 weeks later is doing great…. Well, you make a few deals with God.)

Bear wants to squelch on his deal for the American Dream of making money. Here’s the breakdown and the way that I see it: if you believe Muhammad is your profit, excellent. If you want to find enlightenment under the tree with Buddha, many blessing to you. If you believe this planet and world couldn't exist without a mother, blessed be. If you want to let things go with the flow, join the club (and pooh bear for that matter). If you think the world came about through the big bang and there is no god, more power to ya. If you think there is something out there guiding everyone but you aren’t really sure what, enjoy (This is where I fall into by the way). If you think evil alien overloads came down to the earth before time and…. No sorry, I can’t jive with Scientology. Call me what ever name you want here____________. If you think Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior, oklie dokely to you.

But if you make a bargain with your god, and then try to squelch on it? I pity you.

By the way, we are going to mass.

you go to eat with friends and one says the wieght is just melting off (Sassy)
you go to eat with friends and one says no way did you just have a baby (E)
you go to eat with friends and the have advice on how to deal with your reader who is screwing your thesis over (Everyone)
you go to eat with friends and they have job offers for you (J)
you go to eat with friends and one wants to move toyour home town so you talk it up (E)

I guess it was a good day for my fragile self esteem. however, it was a little weird to be feeding Nut in front of a guy friend and realize that he was checking me out. hmmm....

Me=Annoyed

Kaiser, once again, has fucked up. They sent me a bill for nine dollars from their collection agency from getting a prescription in OCTOBER. Ok, the 9 bucks is no big deal. The fact that 1. I had filled my quota for my co-pay in September for the prescriptions with that million dollar headache stuff that did shit. I shouldn’t have to pay for anything! And 2. I didn’t have a doctor’s appointment in October around the time that I had the “prescription” filled. 3. Why am I getting a bill from collection 6 months after the fact if I did owe money?? Where are the other bills?

I called them up and bitched them out. They erased it and are looking into the fuck up. Grrr….

Intern issue has arisen. According to the hospital I work at, after graduation date (5-20) all interns can no longer be interns. They have to be volunteers. They can’t see clients. I doubt this will affect me but if it does I am screwed. I will be 20 hours short. CEO however, said she would probably wave the last 20 hours if push came to shove. My god, you are kidding me??! That would be great because I HAVE to find a job for the stipend thing.

I am going back to all my classes today. Since my sis flaked (way to take the job seriously) and scheduled job interviews, MY is bailing me out. Thank god. Sis actually has called several times to apologize. I guess she really loves her nephew.

oh and this movie about Flight 93? baaaaaaad idea.

no more BP meds. maybe now the breast milk will come back in greater quanities. Doc says we'll see. it's a trial run. I am just happy to be off all meds now except my vitimens.

In the past two years since I started school again I have dealt with a lot. I have met people and made friends, lost touch with friends, had several people die on me suddenly and drastically, ran into old buddies and worst enemies, had a great internship and a shitty internship, told I can't have babies, had a baby, written a 100+ page book, lost my mind, got diagnosed, dealt with my skeletons, laughed a lot, cried a lot, got super stressed, and in general just tried to get by day to day. Imagine my surprise when I found my new theme song on a fluke:

98 pages, 32,294 words...

and now, for my own well being, I need to walk away from the project for the night.

"What the hell is going on??!! What the hell is that bright light??!!! I am so cold!! Who the hell are all these things with masks?? Put me back in god damn it! PUT ME BACK IN!!!!!"

yeah, I know.... ewwwwwww.

"the first person you fall in love with will steal your heart. The first person you make love to steals your soul. And if these were on and the same, you are damned."

damn it.

beer is good.

I feel better now that I have had a beer tonight.

beer is good. :)

I guess nut is a boob man after all because he nursed again today. I was thrilled of course, even though the little vampire needs to learn to ease up a bit.

Nut and I both have a cold. We blame dad. Oh yes, the bear is in the doghouse.

have you ever been listening to the radio and just been overwhelmed with memories that you had tried to forget a long time ago? This week I have been hearing all these songs that I forgot about and each time I hear them a new/old memory pops up. Most are funny and good, some are pure evil, and then some are neutral. It's just weird. Maybe the planets are aligning again to give me a cosmic kick in the ass.

maybe I'll win the lotto!!

first Nut is nursing, then music, then what??

I am going to go get a new tattoo for graduation. Or maybe my nose pierced. I want both and I am looking into pricing. HAight AShbury looks like the best area to go. I just think that I feel a little restless here. Yes, restless is a good word.

I used to write eloquently . Grad school has killed that. My inspiration is just gone for everything. What the hell man? Or maybe I was delusional to begin with. Who knows.

I have a goal when I am 50. I am taking a year off and walking. Tee hee.

that's all folks.

Intense day yesterday continued all the way into the night and to the hospital. I came home from work and Nut was fast asleep. Fly Girl said he had a very sleepy day and wasn’t much in the mood for food. Of course that set an alarm off in the back of my head. My little piggy? Not hungry? I held him for an hour, just like I wanted to. He slept and slept. He sneezed and gurgled. He felt very snug and warm in his hippie sling.

I worked on my thesis and chatted with the Bro about his ex (who I still say is evil). After a while I realized that time had flown and still, Nut was snoozing. FG was asleep as well, having slammed her finger in her car door; she called into work because she couldn’t carry trays. Hell, I wouldn’t want a waitress with a bloody and bandaged finger helping me anyway!

Nut is asleep but he feels warm… and sweaty. I decided to take his temp. Bear has been sick with a cold, which now I have by the way. I take his temperature. The thermometer beeps. I pull it out of his ear, and my heart stops.

101.3 degrees.

Instantly, I run to the office and wake up FG telling her to take Nut and the thermometer and keep taking his temp. I get on the phone to Kaiser and the advice nurse. Although there is a wait, she bumps me to the front of the line. The doctor wants us to come into the ER.

Instantly, FG is putting Nut in the car seat and I am trying to find clothes to wear. I am also calling the Bear who is teaching his fight class, and of course, not picking up the cell. I tell FG to go to the airport and get him as I put Nut into the car. Then I call sis and tell sis (who is also sick I might add… what is it with everyone being sick right now?) to call Bear over and over and over until he picks up. Then I call up my father.

I get his bitch wife.

“Hello?” says she in her annoying monotone deadpan voice.

“Can I speak to Pat?” (Yes, I call my father by his first name. He wasn’t much of a father figure and that is the reason behind it.)

“Yes, may I ask who is calling?” she sounds paranoid. God forbid a GIRL call my 70ish father.

“His daughter.”

“Which one?”

Do you really think I have time for this bullshit?

“The older one.”

“You could have just said C” with a sigh and a chuckle.

By this time I am getting on the highway and I don’t have time for this bullshit especially with this bitch.

“Will you just put him on the phone it’s an emergency!”

I thought she hung up. She didn’t say anything but a few minutes later my father was on the phone. I told him to bombard Bear’s cell as well as I was driving to the ER.

Next came the same type of bombard requests to Moe. Got the machine.

Then I called Hurricane and McG to try to keep calm. McG told me it was probably nothing and with Mini me she was worried the first time he got sick too.

By the time I got to the hospital I was a lot calmer. Nut, however, had woken up. And boy, all that sleeping and relaxing did his lungs wonders.

“WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

It was great. As FG joined me at the hospital Bear called. I bitched him out and told him to get his ass down to Kaiser. He obliged of course, telling me I was paranoid. Well, better paranoid then sorry.

By the time we were admitted, Nut’s fever had come down a bit. And he was hungry. To make it really bad, in my hurry to get out of the house I had forgotten his diaper bad. Finally, In sheer desperation to make him stop screeching, I pulled my boob out of my bra and shoved it near his mouth. We all know that Nut doesn’t like my boobs, but fly girl tried to hold Bear’s jacket up so I could have some privacy in the waiting room. Nut took the boob.

HE WOULDN’T LET GO!!

I feel so validated that when they call Nut’s name I don’t want to move him because he is just chowing down. Seeing as after giving birth I have no shame, I got up and just walked through the whole lobby with Nut nursing away like a maniac. Don’t care if people were offended.

They had to take Nut’s blood. He finished nursing and promptly threw it all back up on the table and then they went for the blood. Like this mom, he had no veins in his arm that were viable so they went for the back of the hand. Unfortunately that didn’t work either. Finally they pulled in a new guy who had to put an IV in my Nut.

OK, after watching the first attempt at the blood I was shaken to say the least. This, coming from me, the girl who can watch her own blood draws and wanted to see pictures of her insides if she needed a c-section, is odd. I have a high tolerance for this type of stuff. However, when they came in for the IV I had bear hold nut on the table.

Nut screamed and cried holy hell.

But then again, so did I. I started sobbing. I wanted to pick up the baby and say, ”that’s enough you evil Nazis!” I have never heard such an anguished cry before. Last week I was worried that I hadn’t bonded with Nut. This time, I know that I can’t stand to live without him. I put my sobbing face right over his and tried to calm him. It was awful. Bear had 2 babies he needed to calm. Even fly girl was crying. I never want to do that again.

When they were done with the IV I picked Nut up and gave him the boob again. He liked it a bit but fell asleep in my arms. I just held him. If I could make it all go away, I would in a heart beat. Bear and FG were starving. FG had gone and gotten us some food and they were going to go to the cafeteria to eat it and then I could go.

”I’m not hungry.”

”You have to eat honey,” says Bear.

“I’m not hungry and I am not leaving him.”

“He’s gonna be alright and you…”

”I AM NOT LEAVING HIM!!!” I yelled at bear.

Yeah, I bonded all right.

At about midnight the doc came in and listened to hi s lungs and whatnot. The fever broke and he now has a cold. I blame Bear for the cold by the way.

Exhausted, we went home.

Today, Nut is lethargic and just wants to be held by me and only me. I think he will remember that I was the one who didn’t leave him.

I’m not sure who is more traumatized, him or me. I never want to see him like that again.

I didn’t take the advice levied on me by Hurricane and Moe. They said stay home from work if I feel unsafe with whatever was up. I, being an idiot, went to work.

It. was. Intense.

That’s all I can say and the police were involved. I locked myself in the office and pumped but I could still hear the yelling and slamming of stuff. Right next door to my office too. I even wrote in my journal a bit because I didn’t want to come out in the middle l of it all.

All I wanted to do was come home and hold Nut. I really wanted that. So when CEO left, so did I. Opps. I still had 45 minutes.

I think Nut may be sick. He is either dead asleep or super SUPER fussy. He eats very little then burps it all up. He’s warm too. I think I really am getting sick now (damn it bear!) because my throat is tickling me and I have the ever-present headache.

Fly Girl survived her first day as nanny extraordinaire. I checked in over instant messaging and told her to put the iTunes on when he was super fuss man. Works like a charm. I guess pumping all that music into my belly button when I was commuting when preggers and deaf worked.

Spring break is almost over. All I have done is thesis. I need to do some shit for the group work in M’s class.
More later on the way I am now.

cough sneeze ugh. I think I am sick. bummer, guess I can't go to work tomorrow. things are heating up there and well, I don't feel safe but I don't think any one relly does.

aaaaaaaaaa-chooooooooooooooooooooo

sniffle.

yeah, I don't feel too good.

I had an epiphany today about being an adult. How did I finally realize that I am an adult?

It wasn’t that I could drive a car….
It wasn’t that I could buy cigarettes and lotto tickets…
It wasn’t that I could buy beer or drink apple martinis in little dive bars with my friends…
It wasn’t that the people who have raised me died many years ago…
It wasn’t that I have a college degree…
It wasn’t that I will have a master’s degree in about six weeks…
It wasn’t that I am married….
It wasn’t that I have my own place and have had so for many years….
It wasn’t even that I have a son…

No, what clued me into that I was now an adult came in the form of chocolate, sugar, and screaming bright neon pastels at the local Rite-Aid. It came in the form of a Cadbury egg.

Yes, that’s right… a Cadbury egg clued me into the fact that I was an adult. I usually love to eat at least one of those things during the spring. This year, I bit off the top of the egg like I always do.

It was revolting.

Absolutely disgusting.

Ahhh… childhood is now officially over.

I am an adult.

Trapped at the computer, rocking nut in the only rocker like chair we have. Typing with one hand to keep myself busy as the baby screams and screams and screams. I have a headache already, and let me tell you, he is not helping. I wish I had a real rocking chair. That way at least I would be more comfortable.

Why are men such assholes? My rant for this late evening is against my Bear. He likes to point out that Nut have fun when other people hold him. In fact, he points out to every girl that comes over that Nut tried to grab their boobs and nurse. It’s true, from day one; he has an infatuation with boobs. Everyone who holds them who happens to have a pair, he tries to nurse. At first this was rather funny. Then I realized that it bugs me. After all, there is nothing like feeling like you are a failure when your kid rejects your boobs but likes everyone else’s. And having Bear point that out to EVERYONE who comes over doesn’t really help with the whole self esteem issue. It is especially annoying when he points this out after letting our friend hold the Nut and I am sitting there with my tit in a pump. Such tact. Such elegance. Such an asshole.

70-30

Bonding is an interesting issue too, but seeing as Nut is almost asleep, I am going to curl up on the floor of the office in my make shift bed and go to sleep. Why the office? Why no bear? Because Bear is sick and I think only one of us should be sick at a time.

I didn't realize so many of my friends were reading this thing. Not until the emails that came today saying, "hey! what the hell?? I can't comment on the site unless I have an account??!"

Shit, my bad. I fixed it now so leave any comments you like. but, as always, try not to leave Bear or Nut's real name!

besides, half the time the comments crack me up (yes, you know who you are!)

cranky cranky people!!!! :P

No way will I bring Peanut to work with me. I was considering it before I gave birth. Everyone wants to see him. But after today, with the security breach, there is no way that is going to happen. That’s all I can say due to confidentially issues. Scary shit though.

On a lighter note though, once a week I share my office with another person who comes in from another agency (sort of) for the weekly meetings. Today, I really needed to pump the boobs. However, she was in a meeting when I finally got to the office (dude, weather and traffic sucks!! 2.5 hours today!!). Breasts were very full and heavy and I really needed to get the milk out so I put a note on the door and then locked myself in the office. She totally understood, having a child herself. Later in the afternoon, when I had to do it again, I waited until she was out of her office. This was after all the drama and I was looking forward to locking myself away. She comes in and I sign to her “Hey, I have to be a cow!” She busted up laughing. I also pointed to the new sign I made for the door for people to know what I was doing secretly if the door was locked, shades drawn and I was in the office. What did it say?

“The cow says… moo!”

Well, of course!

My small annoyance for the day comes from the reader of my thesis. I sent the rough draft to her, as requested, on Thursday of last week so that she could read it this week. I got an email from her today. I was prepared for the worst and still thought in my head, “wow, that was a fast turn around time!” Yeah, wishful thinking. The email informed me that she just had printed it today and would read it over the next TWO WEEKS.

Ok…. Don’t get angry… DON’T GET ANGRY….

The paper is due, in it’s entirety, layout, research, everything… MAY 1ST. Two weeks from today is April 18th. Then I only have 13 days to more then likely re-write the thing, get it to Bluebird for publishing, get it back to me (from NY) and submit it to the school. Plus, if I want to do the grad showcase (which I am leaning towards) I need to register by the 21st of April. What makes it more annoying is that, while I could understand if she had a lot of thesis’s to read, I know it I s just me and another girl and the other girl is done!!!

Why do I have the sneaking suspicion I am getting screwed here?

Work was as usual... Boring as all shit, nothing to do. Really. Oh yeah, but try to explain to deaf co-workers what a"MILF" is. Yeah... Got called a MILF. How flattering (?) . Then I had to explain it to CEO, and others. Oh my... So embarrassed. No one recognized me though. That was flattering. I just like being able to see my feet. More on this later.

PS A YEAR????!!!

I'm going back to work!!! I'm going back to work!!! I'm going back to work!!!

that is if MY ever shows up. and with the rain it is due to be a shitty commute too.

In my break time that Bear gave me from Nut I took a bubble bath and read my book. The book that I am reading is called Mercy and it’s by Jodi Picoult, the woman who wrote the BEST book that I read last year, My Sister’s Keeper. This book is all right I guess. It’s about love and relationships and what would you do for the person you love.

This leads me into deep thought over what one character said. He said, basically, that love in relationships is never 50/50. It’s always a little skewed and one person winds up loving more. The question just is, who is that person? I have been thinking about that a lot right now.

Let’s be honest, although everyone seems to think that the Bear and I are perfect and lovely, we have hit some major MAJOR bumps along the road. When we were first dating I thought the love was 50/50. After the November incident, I see now looking back on it that it was really 70/30 and I was more in love then he was. Hindsight is an amazing thing. After we were married and he pulled all the bullshit with psycho I realized that it was still 70/30. Now what is it? 70/30, but this time I am the 30.

It’s not that I don’t love him, I really do. It’s just that there is so much one person and one heart can take before the heart is inevitably broken and un-repairable. And, yes, I may have FINALLY sort of forgiven him for the November incident but I still am pissed over psycho. I see her and I see me and I wonder what the hell he was thinking?

The irony is that I am not the only one going through the thoughts of what percentage is love. I got an email from D who wondered the same thing. Does she love more then needed for her relationship?

Looking back on all my relationships there was always a skew. Always. Is it possible that this is just the truth of the matter? I sometimes wonder if it will ever be a 50/50 split. I don’t think it’s possible. Like Jamie in the book says, “someone always loves more.”

After screwing around with the spacing, it is only 72 pages.

Only??!!

What the hell girl!?!

That is pretty damn good if you ask me!

75 pages, 24,275 words. And yes, this does not include the 13 page interview that was returned to me. I guess this is going really well now.

My epiphany for the week came last night when The Bear and I were heading out to my bro’s “I’m back, bitches” party at the best pizza joint in the world. I decided to get dressed up again. I put on my red v-neck shirt, did my hair, black pants and heels. Even wore earrings! Why? Because I was going out! That’s why!!
Driving to get Bear at work and then walking to the pizza place I realized why McG always gets all done up when we go out. It’s a night out without the kid. I totally get it now. Even though Nut was with me (and of course stole the show with all of Bros’ friends) I wanted the time out.

I get it now.

Weird note: my brother introduced me to his friends as his “illustrious sister” and then gave both of my names (my first name, which he calls me and my nickname, that everyone else in my life knows me as.) The first thing that threw me was the use of the word “illustrious”. Even his friend who was next to me that I actually knew from college (barely remembered him though) said, “Wow… illustrious now.” The second thing that threw me was the fact that the Bro made no pot shots about my name. How interesting. I guess now that he is thirty and I am quickly approaching thirty, we have grown up.

Sis is here watching nut so I can do the thesis thing today. Goal: at least 70 pages by the end of the afternoon, NOT COUNTING THE 13 PAGE INTERVIEW THAT WAS JUST SENT TO ME BY A VOLUNTEER. Sis made a comment the other day which cracked me up: “So, having a husband that makes **,*** bucks a year, is that like having your own private expense account?”

Yeah, I wish…

"If you forgive people enough, you belong to them, and they to you, whether either person likes it or not- squatter's rights of the heart."
-J. Hilton

Gown up time last night. I wasn’t really in the mood to go to a BBQ in the rain with all the people that really aren’t my friends but Bear’ s friends…. However, after 5 or 6 hours of screeching last night, I was in dire need of “grown up conversations”. But where to begin?

First of all, Nut got a visit from Uncle S. In town from Sydney for a whopping 6 days, he did come and played with the baby for about an hour. He fed the babe and tries to aim the spit up on the burp rag. Did quite well I might add, not ruining his designer “I look like I stepped out of a catalogue for Eddie Bauer” clothes. (Don’t get me wrong, that wasn’t a pot shot, he looked good!) What is it with my siblings talking to Nut with lisps and baby talk? Both of them do it!! Drives me nuts.

Bear comes home and jokes around with Bro about how he actually arrived in Cali two hours before he left from Sydney. He was from the future. Bear wanted to know how the flux capacitor was treating him these days.

I got a shower in. It was nice to rid myself of the spit up stink and what not. Then I got ready for the BBQ. I am thrilled, and ecstatic to say my shirts that once didn’t fit over the rapidly swelling belly fit again. Furthermore, my cleavage rocks!! I put on my blue shirt and black pants. I did my hair, I wore my heels. Why? Not because I really was wanting to impress anyone or anything, I just wanted to look like an adult without spit up, breast milk stains, and other baby shit on me.

Bear’s jaw dropped. He was horny when he saw me. (But that it typical because he is a man.) He didn’t want to go to the BBQ all of a sudden. We went and I had…. A BEER. Oh yes, a beer. A fat tire beer. I was so excited to be an adult that I had to call up the hurricane and Moe and let them know that I was out and being an adult!! Yea!!!

The BBQ was ok. I didn’t eat anything. If you knew the guys, you would understand why. As usual, all the people they invited flaked on them. HOWEVER… OC was in town!!! One night only!! I gave her a hard time for not calling me to let me know she was in town (“didn’t all those years we were neighbors in college mean anything? If not for bear and me you wouldn’t have met your hubby! And no call??”) She told me to shove it. I love my friends. They are so down to earth it’s hilarious.

Actually, he truth comes out... I had two beers. Teeheee…

When we got home I didn’t take my Bp meds. Opps. This morning though my BP was 108/76. Now that’s more like it. I also realized that my BP meds are effecting my breast milk production. In the hospital I was spewing everywhere. At home and since these meds were prescribed, I am lucky to get 3oz pumping total in half an hour. I can’t wait to get off these damn meds!!!!

Nut is snoring on my chest as I type. If I put him down, he will scream I am sure. However, I need to pump and eat. Maybe I should let him scream himself out if he starts?

I have a slight hangover. Now THAT’’S funny.

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