The Peanut Chronicles

Why do people have to be so two faced in the most realistic day-to-day adventures of life? I am not really ranting about anyone I know in particular; it’s just something that I noticed this weekend when I spent the whole weekend with Bear and Nut. We went shopping in honor of Bear DESPRETLY needing new clothes.

We went to the Yuppie Mall in Metropolis. You know the one I am talking about: every major US city has one! The one where within spitting distance from each other you can find such snobby gems like Nordstrom’s, Sac’s 5th Avenue, Macys (in two separate buildings for Christ’s sake because god forbid women and men be put together! What is this, catholic school??), Neumann Marcus, Banana Republic and a whole bunch more snotty people stores.

Give me my tar-jay any day.

WE went to Nordstrom’s first while Nut was sleeping in the pram. Here are some examples of saying and meaning:

What Bear said: “Why do I need new work clothes?”
What he meant: “I hate shopping, do we have to do it?”

What I said: “Your clothes that you have now are getting a little worn out.”
What I meant: “Look, you have holes in your pants, your shirts are frayed and there are holes in the soles of your shoes. Get the fuck over it, you need to go shopping.”

On the pants he tried on:
Said: “Those pants look a little tight in the waist dear.”
Meant: “You look like a porn star. Honey we are older and you have gained a little. Deal.”

Said: “Not sure that is quite your color.”
Meant: “No way in hell buddy.”

Said: “maybe we should look into other pants besides Khaki’s”
Meant: “I will divorce you if you buy one more set of khaki’s”

I found that I use this “pintorian” way of talking with a lot of things.

To “what an adorable baby you have!”

Said: “He is quite the sweet heart.”
Meant: “He is good until he wants something. Then plug your ears.”

To the friends who want to come over at 11pm

Said: “Probably not a good idea since by then Nut will be sleeping”
Meant: “Are you out of your fucking mind???”

To “is it true you forget the pain of delivery?”

Said: “to an extent.”
Meant: “to an extent. I was pretty dissociated and drugged and exhausted.”

To “So when is the little man getting a sister?”

Said: “Touchy subject.”
Meant: “I am not having any more kids now. I can’t do it without risk to my health. I am not interested in being an incubator again.”

To “So are you nursing?”

Said: “No I am not.”
Meant: “I didn’t produce milk and I tried to nurse for ten weeks and I did the best I could.”*

To the guy following me and Nut yesterday who were all disheveled and muttering about pretty babies:

Said: “Come near my son and you will be missing your testicles”
Meant: “Come near my son and you will be missing your testicles.”
(Don’t fuck with my kid or me)

4 Comments:

Jenny said...: God, what is it with men and shopping. My husband refuses to let me buy him new shoes. I'm literally going to have to sneak them out of his closet and replace his broke-down, sad-ass s hoes while he sleeps.; 12:38 PM
Nut's mom said...: I know! Seriously? do they think they look good in that crap?; 9:31 PM
Mamacita Tina said...: I have to admit, I'm almost as bad as my husband about shopping. Hole in my pants? What hole in my pants?

Nobody mess with Peanut's Mama!; 5:36 AM
First Year said...: Ha I love it :) I am taking boyfriend shoe shopping after he gets home from work. He somehow caught wind of my plans for him and began whining immediately. But we can no longer go anywhere nice because he has nothing other then sneakers and his last nice shoe fell apart from it's sole. (no that does not stop him from wearing them).

Sigh :); 12:20 PM

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