The Peanut Chronicles

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Key Note Speaker

I am going to make an ass out of myself.

sigh... here we go

Friday, July 28, 2006

Nothing says family fun like sex, guns and euthanasia

Walking around toys r us with the Nut yesterday I also happened to wander over to the movie section. Somewhere, in my dreams, I find a copy of the Lion King, even though I know that Disney, in a marketing ploy, has shoved the damn thing, kicking and screaming (or roaring and scratching) into it’s special “vault” where the movies mysteriously disappear for seven year. After seven year, they magically return with “new edition” that you too can own for an arm and a leg to keep your little one singing “Hakuna Matta” for days to come….

I digress…

I always hope to find some hidden copy everywhere I look. After all, Nut’s “time to change the diaper” song is Hakuna Matta (Which is reason 43 my husband is an idiot by the way: no matter how many &$**^%*^$ times I tell him, he still sings it “hakuma mennta”. What the fuck??!)

I scanned through the family films… Winnie the pooh, Shirley temple, Dora the explorer, lady and the tramp, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Aladdin, Bambi… wait a sec….

I look back.

Mr. And Mrs. SMITH?!

A family film?

Sure as shit there were Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on the cover in their sexy clothes and guns. Now, don’t get me wrong, we actually own this movie. It’s fun to watch. But nowhere would I classify it as a ‘family film”. Hello?! Lots of violence? Hit men? And let’s not forget that sex scene…

I thought for sure that this was a misplaced movie. I shook my head and kept looking

Disney Princesses, Jungle Book, Million dollar baby, Garfield… hang on…

Million Dollar Baby?!

Also an excellent movie but I highly doubt that any 7 year old would want to see a movie about boxing and euthanasia.

My question is, what makes a family film these days? Other films I found there were the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, The Ring (now really, what the fuck?), Ocean’s 11 and 13 going on 30. All right, the last one is plausible.

Hmmm… I guess things have changed since I was a kid. I saw Top Gun in the third grade and my parents thought the sex scene was a little graphic. To tell you the truth, I remember being embarrassed watching it too.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

fuck you buddy

Reason 72 my husband is an idiot

I went to toys r us

I bought Nut three toys because I am the one home with him 24 hours a day, 6 days a week and I am the one who sees that he is bored with the ONE toy that he has.

I bought a baby gate so the cat can’t get to her favorite shit spot.

I bought Dr. Brown’s bottles, which were recommended by our doc for Nut’s issues with food.

I bought Deft stain spray because god know’s it’s IMPOSSIBLE for the idiot to try to get a stain out of a baby shirt or, hmmm…. I don’t know, a couch cushion? (No turning over the pillow DOES NOT count as removal of stains.)

I spent 163.52 with the use of coupons. I bought everything on sale.

So why is it the asshole feels it’s right to tell me that I didn’t need any of this and I need to “stop spending money so we can buy a house!”

We are not poor. We are not rich. We are a little bit well off.

So listen up fucker, until you sit up with the baby all afternoon dealing with colic after he has thrown up on every piece of clothing he has; tried to wash stains out of furniture that you just let sit because “no one will notice”, try to make the toy that Nut is quickly out growing seem more interesting AND work with the constipation and the night terrors? Yeah… that’s when YOU will be able to tell me what the fuck to do asshole.

Last night, she's says....

Last night I had a lot of fun. After hemming and hawing about it on the phone with Moe, I went out on the town. Where did I go? The Irish Pub that was the scene of my nervous breakdown last year. Hey, we all have to face our fears some day, right? (Oh, I can be all suave about it now, but I did spend a good twenty minutes or so in my car psyching myself up for the bar.)

Guess what? I had a lot of fun. I danced with people, I flirted with people and I drank a martini for Moe. There was some killer live band playing swing music and some really sweet boys there who could really dance. I mean, wow, they could DANCE. I spent most of the evening dancing with two boys named M & J. They were really sweet and had beautiful eyes (I am such a sucker for beautiful eyes!!) No one hassled me (I highly doubt M & J would let anyone do that. They were standing up for a lot of people at the place.) And no assholes walked in. I wasn’t really that worried either because I had no bad feelings walking in the door, just nerves which quickly disapated.

However, the best thing of all was when I came home in the wee hours of the morning to find the Nut bouncing on dad’s knee and laughing hysterically. Of course I ran in and swooped up the baby and adored him forever. He’s my little Peanut and he gave his special mommy grin to me. What a drool machine. He’s my Nut nut nut!

Oh seeing bear was ok too I guess.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

ok... so...

What have I been doing with myself now that I am single and not a mom (at least for 24 hours or so)? Well, MY and I went to the movies last night. He’s such a nice guy. He called me up to see if I wanted to go out to the movies. Personally, I think Bear is having people keep tabs on me so I don’t go to “the job”. He isn’t happy.

We saw Clerks 2. What can I say? It was A Kevin Smith movie. It was NO WHERE near as good as the first one (well, no shit) and it had its moments of me wondering why the hell I was there. About twelve frat boys sat behind us. They laughed at everything and made comments before the movie started. Through the movie though it was comment free. How nice.

This morning I went to a Nia class. It was interesting. It was very hippie. VERY.VERY. HIPPIE. In fact, it was almost too hippie for me. But you know what? I got out of the house, to the gym and I didn’t have to worry about Nut being kicked out of the Kid’s Zone because he cries. The last time he got kicked out because he wanted to be held and cried. Well what the FUCK do you expect?!? He’s a baby!!!!

Wasn’t hired at the “Let me walk down the street with the sex workers and druggies shooting up in front of the place” job. It wouldn’t’ have paid back my stipend anyway. Turned down Vineyards (yeah, I know. Now I am being picky). I had an interview yesterday at this group home, level 10, where I would do case management and therapy. I have a feeling though that might be glorified babysitting. The job I interviewed for on the 24th was gardening with paranoid schizophrenics. 15.07 an hour. You are kidding me, right? At least yesterday’s interview required a master’s degree.

I also got to phone calls with interview options. One was a part time at a DV shelter, which I had to nip in the bud because it was part time. The other I am awaiting a return call from them but I was a “Strong candidate” according to the message.

Today I got an email from a group who want to do a phone interview with me on the 7th. Excellent. All these jobs, by the way, are in the Kelberey and Oakville area. In other words, close by.

I am going to go do Bear’s ASL homework for him now and work on the VA application.

Oh, and try to stay cool.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Hmmm... well now what?

I am at home in the AC. It is very quiet. In fact, one might even say it is too quiet. The steady hum of the AC drowns out the constant ringing in my ears. However, I sit hear, perched and ready. Straining my damaged hearing to listen for the phantom call of the baby. Half the time when I bolt to the bedroom, expecting to find a screaming baby, I find a sound asleep Peanut, snoring blissfully in his dreamland. Always, for a split second I am totally e envious that he sleeps so well. That he can sleep so well. No night terrors, no insomnia… just sleep.

Today, however, is different. This time, when I hear the baby cry in my ears, I know that he is not crying. Or maybe he is crying and it’s my incredible psychic link to him that clues me in. Either way, for me to calm him I will have to travel many thousands of miles to get to him. The Bear has taken my Nut to Seattle.

Seattle? As in Seattle, Washington?

As in the space needle?

Frasier?

Pearl Jam?!

Yes… Bear and Nut went to Seattle today. It’s the first time since I was, well, pregnant that Nut has been away from me. And far away too!! It’s about a 3.5 hour plane ride to get there! And they will be gone for a few days as well.

I find myself with an interesting dilemma. I have nothing to do. No Nut to entertain. No job. No chores really. Just me, myself and I. And I am not really sure what I should do. I could go to the movies. I could go to the gym. I could fill out that VA job application in peace and quiet. It’s just weird. I have time to myself and I find myself bored.

I am making the Bear call me every two hours though. I had bad dreams the last few nights about dead people and giving speeches. All I can psychoanalyze to my parent’s wedding anniversary this past weekend and giving that damn address this weekend. But my baby is too far from me and I don’t like it.

Actually, more likely, this evening I am going to go and misbehave with Matt. We are going to go to the Cabana Club and drink and flirt and dance. It’s going to be fun.

Monday, July 24, 2006

I AM TOO DAMN CUTE!!! YOU MUST LOVE ME!!!

Goodbye

Alas, I have had to say goodbye to Betty as she makes her way to the special hospital. she'll be back (hopefully) in less then a week but it looks like my keynote address will have to be burned to a CD. sigh...

Oh yeah, and I have thought of a great way to justify the job in SF being offered. I can write a paper about it and have it published in the JOurnal of Psych. Hence, it's research, and I don't have too feel so disgusted with myself.

Friday, July 21, 2006

it's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes

it's almost midnight. it's 90 degrees. this sucks.

Reason number 41 why my hubby is an idiot

The door closed and Bear comes walking in muttering "where the hell did I leave it?"

"Leave what?' (I was filling out job applications)

"My thing."

"Your thing?"

Bear was on the way to the bank and then to REI with Nut. This would give me about an hour for job applications and to go down to Outskirt's PD and be re-fingerprinted because my fingerprints didn't pass the FBI screening. (yeah... Ok then.)

"You know the thing...."

He said something else but I was a little distracted. Where was nut?

"uhhh," I interrupted, "Where the hell is Peanut?"

"In the car"

I nearly choked. It was already 92 degrees outside and he left our almost five month old in a CAR?!?!?!?!!!!

"WHAT?!!!"

"oh chill out... I left the air conditioner on and I won't be here long."

Umm... So he left the air conditioner on... Which requires the engine to be running. So he left our baby boy ALONE in a car in the neighborhood with the KEYS IN THE IGNITION and THE ENGINE RUNNING???!!

When I point out the sheer stupidity of this move (I mean really, why not just put a large blinking sign on the roof of the car that says "kidnap me please!") he rolls his eyes and says I am over reacting but runs downstairs and pulls nut from the car.

I am NOT over reacting. I just married an idiot.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Job offer

I have been offered the job in Vineyards. Sigh... stipend requirements state that I have to take the first job offered to me. But here is the problem: I can’t leave Nut like that. I can’t do it. I can’t. And I know that maybe now I am being picky. And I know that the truth is another opportunity may not come along. But do I really want to miss Nut’s first’s?? And can I really survive the whole 3-12 thing, not get home until 1am and then never see the Bear? I don’t think my marriage would stand through a year of third watch shift and then graveyard. Motherfucker, what the hell do I do now?? It's got to be better then the suplimental job.

If you know my destination please
Well find me the fastest car and throw me the keys

I guess I can't say anything right anymore

Explain to me why it is that I can’t pay people compliments?

Here is a prime example: out at dinner with Bear and friends and I am sitting close enough to MY to not have to watch his lips as he is talking. For once I can actually look at a person in the eyes as they speak. It’s a rare moment here and that’s when I notice, for the first time, that MY has very pretty eyes. I mean, we are talking dark and light brown, like chocolate being mixed together. I was dumbstruck that I never noticed before. Being friends with MY I said, “Wow. You have really pretty eyes” and just looked at them.

MY looked uncomfortable. You could see it in his face, the pondering of how to take the compliment. Finally he just said, “Thanks… I guess.”

“You guess?” I say, in utter disbelief, “hasn’t anyone ever told you that you have nice eyes because they are very pretty! Are we having self esteem issues?”

My, like myself, seems to never be able to take a compliment because we both have very little self-esteem.

“No.”

“Then what’s with the ‘I guess?’ crap”

“Well, your Bear’s wife! I’ve known bear since we were kids!”

“Well, you have known me for how long now?! I am complimenting you! It doesn’t mean I am hitting on you!!”

I have two irks here. The first being is that I have seemed to morph into this image of being Bear’s wife. NO longer am I myself, I am someone’s wife. Someone’s property. Shit, you might as well tattoo on my face “Property of Bear.” Maybe this is why I never wear my wedding ring. (That and it doesn’t fit). I forgot that I am a separate person. I am lost in this dumb ass image that I am a respectable trophy fucking wife.

Yes, I do the trophy wife bullshit for Bear’s career more oft then I care to admit. In fact, we are pulling that shit off tonight when we go and make an impression on his new batch of wealthy students. The problem is, I am no longer the person that I want to be. In fact, I can’t even pay friends compliments without them getting all weird.

The second thing, why is it that I can’t give someone a compliment without them going all wiggy on me? I AM NOT HITTING ON YOU!!! I DO NOT WANT TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS!!! IF YOU RECALL, I AM A FRIEND OF YOURS TOO!!

This goes for both males and females. If I compliment one of my female friends, saying for example, I love what you have done with your hair, it makes you look amazing (true compliment I gave the other day) why is it the guys I am with ask me if I am hitting on said person? I suppose it’s because there is always the porn fantasy of two women being together and having the boys watch. I think that they enjoy the fantasy.

But I digress…

I am just a little peeved in the fact that I can’t compliment someone without the feeling that they think I am hitting on them or something. Shit people, it’s a fucking compliment!!!

Oh yeah, got a job to supplement income. Has absolutely nothing to do with my profession and I don’t intend to tell the Bear about it. Don’t worry, it’s not illegal.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Ok, so....

Yep. That interview went incredibly well. As always, it’s the job interviews that I go to that I am totally into that don’t contract. Damn it!

Well, I do have to say walking back to the subway with my computer in my bag; I realized that maybe that it’s a good thing that I don’t work here. I figured this as I passed the third sex worker being picked up and a deal going down. Yeah, great place.

(Sidebar: ironic how I used to hang out around here isn’t it?)

Now that today’s interviews are done I am thinking about tonight’s big adventure. Wow, it sounds oh-so-exciting but in reality I am just so upset over this job hunt thing that I changed my generic cover letter and now it says that I am inquiring in regards to work and submitting my resume if they have anything available. Where is this going to? Hehehe… well I have a list of EVERY AGENCY that contracts in the county I live in and the neighboring county. In other words, it’s going to EVERYONE. A mass mailing to human resources.

I should not panic though. It’s not like the deadline for the job hunt is fast approaching (October 2). Actually, it is but if I have made a “good faith effort” I can have it (the deadline that is) extended for another 120 days. After that, who knows? However, if the extension is to work I would have to apply to every county in this state, including the counties that Bear refuses to step foot in. I m not that interested in going there either but if I have to I will leave and just do it. Although, I would hate to leave Nut. I am also hoping that Little Buddha might find something. In talking with him this past weekend at the farmer’s market, Bear realized why SW is a better place to live the Metro. In SW people actually care for each other. Bear learned more about this stipend from LB then he has all year down here from Hippie. And why? Because there people care about their community and their neighbors. Here? No one gives a shit at all!!!!!

Sigh.

“It’s never clear what would come next, but that’s the risk and that’s the test, and you were the only one so far to follow. And no one talks about how one might stop and need to rest or how long they wait along before you stop looking back; like you’re waiting for gadot and then you pick your sorry ass up off the street and go.”

At first glance

First impressions of this place in Metro. Umm… let’s see. It’s in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city. I walked to the locked gate to be buzzed in and while waiting watched two guys shoot up right outside on the streets.

Lovely.

And once I get in, past the gate and the security, it’s not too bad. I am sitting in the outside part of the patio among the flowers and the giant statue of Mary, who is crying, is rising out of the bushes like a phoenix. It’s warm today here in the city. It’s about 75. For Metro, that is actually really hot because usually the Big River helps bring down the temp with winds etc. Could be worse: we got back from SW the other night (By the way, Lear jets rock. A normally several hour flight took an hour) and it was 101 degrees… at 7pm!!! What made it worse was that it was MUGGY! UGH UGH UGH!!

Anyway, today’s interview is at St. Mary’s Senior Center in Metro. It’s for a caseworker position for seniors. I like working with seniors more then kids. I highly doubt that this will repay the stipend. Its’ worth a shot at interviewing for. Get my name out there (which might back fire, as I could be known as the girl who interviews, gets offered and then refuses. Crap. And with my name, well, being Russian and all, it’s kind of original and not too many people have it. Memorable. Crap. Am I just wasting time with these people? Will this create a bad rap for me? Should I stop being so paranoid? People do this shit all the time!!!)

Here at St. Mary’s they offer housing, rehabilitation (as in physical, not drug) adult day health, and community outreach. Maybe they would offer mental health. I am not sure. I don’t even really know what I am interviewing for any more. That’s how many of these things I have applied to and interviewed at. Ugh.

Ranting

“Success is my only mother fucking option failure’s not. Here I go, this is my shot feet fail me not this may be the only opportunity I got”

Sitting in the subway station, awaiting the train to take me to yet ANOTHER interview in Metropolis. I realize I sound like I am whining about these interviews and jobs. In reality, I am. I will fully admit to it. I have decided that my time and education is worth more then 15 bucks an hour. Hello?! Master’s degree! Journal publications! Book! Speaker! I am sooo worth more then 15 bucks an hour.

Looking back on it, taking the stipend was a mistake. At the time it was a great idea. We had the Nut coming. We could use the money at the time. But now that the Bear has bought the company and is a partner and we have more then enough. How much? We are going to buy a house in Scarlet Wood and rent it out until we can move there. WE HATE METROPOLIS!!!

Now finding the job is the trick. And I don’t really know if that it will even be possible. At least now I have the registration as a clinical worker in. That opens up some city jobs in Oakville, Metropolis, and maybe even in Kerbeley, which is another small town with need of help.

If I seem too picky I think of it this way: Am I willing to be walked over again? Let’s face it; I have let a lot of people walk all over me without standing up for myself. I let Bear’s family do it until I snapped. I let Bear do it too. My bro as well, friends who are no longer my friends, a few friends right now (remedying that), work places…

I am worth more then 15 bucks an hour. Nut is worth more then 15 bucks an hour. Bear? Bear can fend for himself on his own.

OK… I need to forget about the job for a while and talk about something else. Last night I got to go and be an adult. Me, Bear, Admiral, MY, and Sarge went out to dinner. Went to Zeke’s in Oakville.

Best. Pizza. Ever.

It was fun talking to people who don’t giggle and act coy when you ask, “Did someone poopy?” In fact, I think that if I asked that to one of the guys that I was hanging out with yesterday, they would have just laughed at me or looked at me like I was insane or something along those lines.

Wait, I am back to the job rant. Another thing, I am sick of back stabbing people asking people about my job placement and position for employment under the guise that they are just curious about my well being. If I wanted them to know about my job placement and search, they would know. If you don’t know, if you are not my friend, don’t bother asking. As with everything in my life, it’s a need to know basis. I am an extremely private person. In other words, my life is not fodder for gossip. (KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF.)

In fact, as most people have learned, if you ask me a question, you better sure as hell make sure you are gonna ask the question that you wanted answered. Bear has learned this quite well now. He knows the look that I give him when I answer the question he’s asked that I know what answer he is looking for and he has asked the wrong questions.

Ok, I am just ranting now. Maybe it’s because I am super annoyed with the fact that things aren’t going to plan in all sorts of aspects of my life. And I hate not working. It’s obvious that I am currently a kept woman. I HATE THAT FEELING. I hate the fact that I have no freedom. I hate the fact that I am trapped here in a good awful city that I hate, can’t find a job that provides for my son, here in a house I dislike… I guess I am just not happy right now with this situation.

I have found, however, that right now I need to stop trying to make everyone else happy. I need to start making myself feel better then I do. In other words, for a while, other then Nut, I am going to put my well being above anyone else’s. Because, in the end, if I am not sane, who will take care of Nut? Bear?! Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Bear thinks he’s fucking father of the year because he takes Nut on his day off. That is only one day a week. And he feels that he is father of the year because he gets up with Nut for his midnight feeding.

Hmm… you feed the baby once, and burp him once, and then the baby is asleep again within a half hour and then you can crawl back into bed, pushing me all the way to the side so you can hog the bed, and you feel that you are father of the year? Two words for you buddy:

Fuck.You.

This is why I need a boyfriend. Among other reasons.

Monday, July 17, 2006

well, fuck this

The thing about these interviews is that they are a pain in the ass. For example, today’s interview was in Vineyards. Vineyards is about 45 minutes north of me. Guess what? It repays the stipend. Guess what else? This lame ass job is making me a glorified babysitter. That’s right, it’s a residential home for nutters. And not Nutters like my cute little Peanut; I am talking Nutters as in duel-diagnosis, paranoid, in crisis nutcases. Want more PC then that? Mentally ill and challenged.

Aside from the 45-minute commute one way, the job pays 2310. They weren’t specific if that was 2310 an hour (23.10), a week or a month. They also told me that a person with a bachelors could do this job. And finally, what really sealed the deal: the shifts are 3-12AM and then graveyard fro 6 months starting in November.

Shit, my marriage is fragile enough. If I took this job, I think it would break.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

My first vacation.... or can I be more cute god damn it?!?!?!

"Oh my god, I am spent from my first airplane ride. I feel like I have sacrficed enough. let me strike my Jesus pose and sleep in my portable crib."

"hmmmm.... the toy that Sarge gave me. I can't put it down. It's so damn fasinating to me. Screw looking around, I like my toy!!"

"Mom and Dad looooooove this cafe. I loooooove these feet of mine."

"I'm sleepy now. I am not too impressed with the area."

"Wait, what do you mean we are going home??!"

"I want to stay in Scarlett Wood!!! Don't make me go home!!!"

Sure, we have A LOT more photos but these were pretty damn cute.

Check this out

I think this was cool

the weekend

It was a nice weekend.

I went to a REAL farmer’s market and ran into Little Buddha. He is the stipend coordinator at the local university and said he would help me find a job. Niiiice.

Mari took Nut for a few hours and Bear and I got Finnish hot tubs and hour long massages.

I went dancing with OC, who would now prefer to be called autumn. Why? I don’t know. So OC is now autumn.

I took Nut to the zoo (yes, I got lots of funny pictures).

I spent $223 on my friends for their honeymoon at a former professor's lover's botique.

I spent $80 bucks on myself there (and BOY was it worth every fucking penny!!!!)

I drank waaaaay too much excellent coffee.

I watched the sun set in Scarlet Wood.

I hung out with Jules.

I talked with Moe, who is always a blast to talk to.

Nut slept in his portable cradle.

Hulk and Autumn’s new house is great and beautiful.

I came home to find that there is a new thing that is starting up at the VA (my dream job) that is for women veteran’s returning from war who are experiencing PTSD, MST and PSAT.

Hmmm… my dream job. Need Masters, associate license, and experience with sexual trauma.

Hmmm… speaker at two conferences, keynote speaker, book….

Hmmm….

Friday, July 14, 2006

homeward bound

I'm sitting at the railway station
got a ticket for my destination
on my tour of one night stands
my suitcase and gutaire in hand
and every stop is neatly planned
for a poet and a one man band

(sing it with me folks!)

Hoooooooooooooommmmmmmeeeeeeewaaaard bouuuuuuuuuuunnnnd

ok, in all reality I am at the jet center waiting for the Bear to load up the company plane and then we are going home.

scarlet wood, here we come!!!

The gauntlet

So thank you for coming back to speak with us. We have reviewed your resume and it seems quite diverse…

This is the standard beginning I get for every frigging second interview I have been on. I know how to bullshit my way through all this fine. It’s always later when it hits:

“Soooooo... I see you live in Ouuuuuuuttttttskkkkkkiiiirrrrrtttts.”

Crap, here we go.

“Yes I do.”

“Yeah…. How do you see your commute to Metropolis? It’s quite far.”

“Yes it is quite far-“

“Over the River”

“Yes I am aware of that.”

And I could answer them in one of two ways:

Way A: “yes, it is far but my hubby and I are trying to move into metropolis or somewhere closer to metropolis.”

Way B: “I don’t see how where I live comes into relation to the job functions that I would be performing for you.”

What they are really looking to see is that if I am willing to wake up at 6 am, be out of my house by 630, get through traffic which includes the hellish River Bridge which is only two lanes and a bridge toll of five bucks one way and gas being almost three dollars at the pump, weave and bob through taxis, buses, bikes, bike messengers, pedestrians, skateboards and roller bladders, hunt down parking that is either 2.75 per half hour or meter parking at 12 minutes per quarter, only one hour at a time to work a nine hour shift for 40 grand a year plus benefits and then do the reverse commute home over same said annoying bridge getting trapped in the same traffic of all the disgruntled workers in Metropolis who also had to get up at 6 am to be at work at nine, and arrive home a little bit after 7pm and never see your son who really is growing so fast that if you blink it you will miss it.

Sadly enough, I have to say yes.

Oh yeah, I was offered the job.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

highlights

I had fun last night.

enough said.

Bear doesn't approve

so I don't tell.

does anyone realize anything?

Nope.

I love this.

223

one hour

I think I'll do it again.

we rock don't we

at least i wasn't arrested.

tee hee.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Sheeeeeee's Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

On the heels of what can only be described as another job interview for a job I am disgustingly over qualified for and yet willing to take because I need to I am breaking up.

Yup folks, there is beauty in the breakdown going on.

Tonight I am going out. Without nut. Without bear. I am putting on a short skirt, I am taking off the wedding ring and I aim to misbehave.

I am going to drink beer, dance on table tops, flirt and generally become the person I was once before a long time ago when people didn’t put me into the “ooohhhh, she’s a wiiiiiiife and a moooooooom” category.

I am not June fucking Cleaver and I don’t tend to be so.

If you intend on lecturing me on this (and I know you will later), let me save you the time:

“Thank you for your opinion and I am happy to hear it. Unfortunately, while I respect it, I am not agreeing with it. But it has been lodged and I know where you stand.”

Have a great evening folks.

I know I will.

mission accomplished

Woohoo!!! I am proud and really happy to say that the Peanut has slept through the night!!! The whole night!! He went to bed at about 1130 last night after his last nighttime bottle and then woke up at 6!!

What is the big deal about this? Aside from the Bear and I sleeping through the night?

HE SLEPT IN HIS CRADLE!!!!

FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME!!

Not in the swing, not in the chair, in the cradle. Why the sudden determination to have the nut sleep in his crib? We are going home this weekend!!! We are heading back home to Scarlet Wood for a few days to visit friends, realities, and other nutty people and of course show off the baby. But we can’t take swing or the chair with us and sleeping in his car seat is a little much for three whole days and so… the crib training began last night. (It didn’t help that Bear got a “baby center” bulletin that stated all the reasons why you shouldn’t have your child sleep in the carriers or swings).

After the initial screaming, well, he was fine. He cried himself out in about 10 minutes and was out like a lamp. It was amazing.

The morning he was rewarded with a new game by Daddy. Daddy decided that Nut could help fold the laundry. Guess what? The laundry monster game was invented.

HE LOVES IT.

I hope he keeps up the same passion for his crib as he did for his laundry.

Monday, July 10, 2006

what link?

If you have come from my space, I am sorry to tell you that there is no link.

Sorry.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

confession is good for the soul

So, if you haven't been to true wife confessions, I highly reccomend the site. why? becasue at one point in another in ANY realtionship EVERYONE has had SOMETHING irk them to the point of needing to vent. how many times have I agreed with that site? Many. Probably more then I care to admit.

Of course, I needed to vent to some one about some, um, issues in my marriage and let's be honest, my friends don't want to hear it because they don't want to see Bear as anything but the perfect spouse and our relationship as perfect. (that was a direct quote by the way.) here's a secret:

WE.ARE.NOT.PERFECT.

WE.ARE.FAR.FROM.IT.

In fact, no one knows the shit going on. I sent in a few confessions jsut to get it off my chest. as soon as I sent them, I felt better. I never expected them to be posted.

But they were.

and I have never felt so damn validated in my life. (and no, I am not telling which one it is or when it was posted.)

Friday, July 07, 2006

They actually think I am an expert?? Okaaaaaaay

Wow!!! Guess what I got a call about today?? (No, it’s not a job.) I have been requested to be a speaker at a conference in Santa Clara, California in regards to my book and research. Gets better…. I will be one of two keynote speakers!!! Woo hoo!!! Stuff to add to the resume!! Now, why does everyone think that I am such an expert in this subject? Hmm… anyway… sunny and happy Santa Clara California!

Now I just have to put together a frigging power point and act like I know what the hell I am doing. Tee hee.

in a place called vertigo

today is a bad vertigo day. how bad? me no drve, that's how bad. the computer is swimming in front of me and I can't carry Nut. that's how bad.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

my back hurts... my knees creak...

Old? I am feeling it today. I turned on the radio this morning, just to see what is going on and the station had a “retro at noon” show going on. Sweet. I always love flashing back to the days of big hair, bright colors, shoulder pads, blue eye shadow and leg warmers. It’s funny to me that I can hear a song and remember exactly where I was when I first heard it. I can remember the cheesy yet really cool videos that I saw sporadically throughout the decade as well. Come one, there was nothing cooler then “Take n me” by Ah-ha and “I wanna be your sledge hammer!” It was Claymation people! Before Claymation was cool and hip like it became after The Nightmare Before Christmas!!

I am fully prepared to walk down memory lane with nostalgia over my very youthful days when I was in elementary and junior high school. I am ready to relive my pretty in pink moments, my brat pack, my breakfast club… the works. Hell, I am even excited. I have never listened to this station before (it’s new) and so I am finding a great deal of respect for them because around here all you can find in angry boy bands, gangsta rap, or country. I need something else. Sorry.

As the time clicks closer, I pump up the volume and get ready to dance around the house while cleaning mostly for Nut’s entertainment. I am happy to share this music with Nut.

And so the show starts… with no rain by blind melon.

WHAT.THE.FUCK.???

BLIND MELON???

IS RETRO???

This is a fluke, right? This is the last song on their play list from the last set RIGHT?!!!

PLEASE.DEAR.GOD.TELL.ME.THIS.ISN’T.RETRO.

Alas, Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping, Bush’s Glycerine, Tori Amos’s Crucify, U2, smashing pumpkins, and Gin Blossoms follow “No rain”!!

Am I really THAT old???

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Memory bottles

There is this picture that is stuck in my head. It will forever be there. If it was possible, I would have captured the moment of time and bottle it and let it out every day I felt sad or lonely.

The bear and I took Nut to the fireworks at the local high school last nigh. Nut was not very happy to wake up from a nice nap and go sit in the balmy weather. He didn’t like being slung over Bear’s shoulder. Instead, he sat in Bear’s lap, covered in blankets just in case he was cold. Nut was turned and watching all the people dance around with the families. The kids were running around playing tag holding glow in the dark necklaces.

And then it starts… the firework show. Honestly, we weren’t sure how Nut would react to that banging noise. It was so loud. Nut just lay on the Bear.

He. Was. Enthralled.

He laughed, he giggled, and he smiled and buried his head in dad’s arms and then peeked out to watch more of the light show. He was enthralled. He was mesmerized and I could only think that this is a moment to treasure forever because in about 17 years, he’s not going to want to hang out with Bear and I. In 17 years or so, there is no guarantee that he will even like us.

How did Bear and I like the fireworks? We were too busy watching the sheer delight on Nut’s face to even notice them.

a very caucious... "GOOD NEWS!!"

Interview tuesday.
therapist postion
YES IT REPAYS THE STIPEND!!!!

more on this later, I have to go to class.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

well, I finally did it.

I removed Special K's link form my blog. She died last January and I just didn't have the heart to take it off yet. I chose today to do it. Not sure why. Maybe because she would have kicked my ass for staying in a rut. probably.

however, it is still bookmarked on Betty, my laptop,

Help, I have lost myself again...

The 4th of July is upon Outskirts. Again, people are out and about at the town’s festival which I heard one starbucked, Hermes purse clutching, botox injecting, highlighted 40 something mother refer to her friend as “Hicksville USA”. Hmm… ok then.

Personally, I love it when places try to put together the hometown feel. I miss Scarlet Wood a lot in times like these. I have been thinking about it more and more in recent days, as I grow frustrated with the world of yuppie hood.

I tried to fit into the yuppie world, once upon a time. I have the Armani suits, the leather bags, and the expensive shoes. And you know what? Armani is hot to wear, leather stains when you spill anything on it and my feet hurt!!! I would much rather go back home and be the funky little hippie that people in SW refer to me as. Jeans and peasant shirts. Berks and tofu. Rock on. Where did I go? Here I am at the fringing “fire cracker fun run!” sitting with the other mothers, who are all at least 15 years older then me, wearing a red skirt, white blouse, blue necklace, and red heels. Holy crap, this isn’t me. I have lost myself again.

Anyway, we are going out and about tonight for the fire works at the local shit school. I wonder how Nut will react to them. Will he be a brave boy or will he (more likely) sleep through the whole spectacle? I’m going with the latter.

Oh lord, “Muffy” is on her way over to make small talk. These people bother me. I don’t like having them ask me all sorts of personal questions about my life and Bear’s life. I know, smile pretty… and watch your back.

I hate Trophy Wifeness.

Monday, July 03, 2006

I've had a bad day

Really pissy day

I had an interview today. I had rescheduled it from last week because 1) I couldn’t find a babysitter and 2) make up or not, I have a black eye and the excuse was L-A-M-E!! So today I drove all the way into Metropolis to have the interview.

I left the Nutter with Able Johnson, of the Johnson Family who is currently looking to buy out Bear. He’s really a great kid. (19 years… he’s a kid. And if he looks at my cleavage one more time I am going to call him on it.) Nut wasn’t really kosher with me leaving but I had to.

The interview was OK I guess. They liked that I started up a program for the schools in Outskirts a few years ago. They liked that I had the experiences at the Senior Center that I had. They loved the fact that I liked computers and know how to use certain programs.

BUT…

I don’t speak Spanish. Or Chinese. They were bummed about that. However, it was mentioned that they are trying to start a new program and would I be interested in the admin part of it. Oh hell yeah. I am not really sure what they thought. My guess is they will find someone who is more qualified and, oh I don’t know, speaks Spanish or Chinese to take the position. But I asked them to keep my resume for their new program. They asked if I would be more interested in that. I said I was interested in anything at this point, but I am trying not to seem desperate. Downside is the commute to Metropolis is even further then the Center!! I would have to leave here at 630 every morning for my 9 o’clock starting time. Sigh…

I picked up Nut form the Johnson house on my home and brought him to Mama C for his next babysitting stint. He was pissed!!! When I was leaving he started to cry. I stalled for so long on leaving because I just didn’t want to leave him again. I wanted to stay and just hold him forever. But Bear and I had class.

Which leads me to rant number 2: stupid, skanky, Paris Hilton wanna be teenyboppers. Bear is taking a class with me for sign language. I already sign; he wants to know what the fuck I am saying about his family. (Nothing! Batting my eyes innocently). The teacher is a deaf man.

Let me clear a few stereotypes up for folks: being deaf doesn’t mean that you hear nothing. In our teacher’s case, he can hear things, such as the phone ring for example, but he can’t understand words. He is a nice enough guy really. He thinks I am hilarious. Must be my charm. That, and the fact that I am the only one in the class that can understand him the first time. But I digress…

There are these two skanky girls in the back of the class. Think Paris Hilton skank and that’s what you got. They must be about 17 or so and my god, the things they wear. (OK, at one point I used to dress like that as well but I had a rather interesting profession at the time… and it wasn’t hooking!!!) They are talking and making fun of the teacher’s way of talking and since we are not supposed to talk in class, EVERYONE could hear them. EVERYONE. Eventually I turned to Bear and said (What I hope was under my breathe but not having great hearing could have been louder then I intended) “I am going to shoot those two skanks.” Bear signed to me “want my AK?” Awwww… he’s using sign language!!

Eventually, they bugged me so much I turned around and shot them a look. Unlike other people's dirty looks, this one was deserved. (and by that I mean they WERE being loud and rude when it wasn't appropreate) They saw it and shut up right away. Oh god, I am such a mom.

And if Nut ever brings home girls like that he’s in BIG trouble!! If I ever have a daughter, no way will she dress like that!

I came home and got the news I have been waiting and waiting for: the answer is no. The cool job I really wanted is a no go. How fucked.

Mama C still has Nut so Bear and I are eating alone. It’s nice but today was the first day where I barely saw my son. I just want to hold him until I die.

Special message: Hey rev!

How goes the road trip? How goes the job? I emailed you and it bounced back.

Love ya
Jo

Sunday, July 02, 2006

A fabulous day in the lives of little mama and nut

Sidebar: Pig refers to me as little mama. it is not a term I made up myself. ironic, she's 4'10" and I am 5 feet. I like the name anyway.

Nut has become a happy little man today. I have a theory. Today, Nut was awake at 745 in the morning. He fussed himself out by 945 and slept until 1130. It was at this point I did what everyone tells you not to do: I woke a sleeping baby.

I will admit, the first few minutes of being awake I almost regretted waking him up. But I had shit to do and I wanted to get it done before the next monsoon hit (yes, monsoon season is upon us). So we went out. We went to Pete’s Coffee House and had a cup of coffee and I even got to write in my diary!! We ran into some folks that I used to do plays with when I was a teenager. The kid, who always played my sidekick in the plays, is now 22!!! And tall!! Over six feet!! Holy crap!

We went to the local bed and bath shop and bought OC her wedding gifts from her registry. And that is when Nut cracked up and…. POOPED!! YEA!!! "Houston, we have a poopy!!" My little man pooped!!!! And it was soft!! And he giggled at me!! Wahoo!!

We went down to goldsmith Inc to talk to the Bear, who in turn BBQed for us. How cool was that? Nut was bouncing and jumping on the Bear and he laughed. NOT GIGGLED, but LAUGHED. He snorted!! It cracked me up. It was the first time that he actually laughed. I loved it. I almost cried it made me so happy. He laughs like me.

Eventually, Nut couldn’t’ take it anymore and feel asleep. He had been up for 4 and half hours at that point. He slept until 6 and then we went out to the grocery store and he giggled the whole time! And he pooped again! Hence, I think now that he is pooping on a regular schedule, he is a happy little man.

When we got home, he was asleep so I took a bath. Of course, Nut woke up at that time so since he had spit up on himself I just grabbed him and put him in the bath with me. You know what? For once, my son didn’t scream bloody murder when I did the bath either. We splashed around and had fun!

And guess what? He is a happy camper in the swing now and ready for bed. I guess taking a shit really helped him out today. Last night he only woke up once. Maybe tonight he’ll make it through the whole night. That was my theory... keep him busy and maybe he'll sleep through the night.

I love love LOVE my son. It’s hard to believe in 4 months I have changed so much. I can’t imagine my life before him anymore. Now I can’t imagine my life without him. AS I walked him to the changing table I held him so tight. I can’t imagine him older then this. I want him to stay this happy and healthy forever. I just adore this time. And it’s going so quickly too.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Farmer's Market

I went to the Outskirts farmer’s market this morning. My reasoning was something that bear had stated on how he missed scarlet wood’s farmers market. He said he would totally eat more veggies and fruit if he could get it from a market.

One of our favorite things when we lived in SW was that every weekend they had a small town farmer’s market. The whole down town would be closed off to motorcars and the whole place would be hopping with fresh fair from all the local farms. There was everything, including live music and jugglers. The whole town converged on the square every weekend for this event. You just have to go to understand how the hippies would mingle with the yuppies. The college kids would chat with their professors. The police would hang out and chat with the local homeless. Teenagers would sit with older folks and eat ice cream. It was a really cool scene and in all honesty, I miss that hometown feeling as well. I think Nut would love to go.

So I went to Outskirt’s Farmers Market. Wow… so not the same. They made a good effort to bring small town charm to this Yuppie city. It was an effort to say the least. They had a burned out hippie strumming her guitar and singing songs off key about the government. They had the fresh cut flowers for sale. They had fruit and veggies. But that’s all they had.

There was no feeling of community. The people who had babies stayed with their families. Teenagers sulked by on their skateboards. The elder folks cussed under their breathe at the teens to which the teens shot a look of distain back at them for. The adults stayed glued to their blue tooth’s and sidekicks. There was something missing.

I guess you never realize what you have until it’s gone. In SW it’s friendly and everyone knows everyone. Here, it’s cold and calculating. It’s a “who’s who” type of mentality. You know, the type where people come to see who is there and of course only the coolest people are there. In SW, everyone is friendly and themselves. Here it is a place to show off your latest Prada bag (Yes! At the FARMER’S MARKET!!). There it’s someone who is running barefoot around the square. Here? Stilettos while pushing prams.

I miss my SW. I think that if we move home to SW Nut will be very happy in his diaper instead of having to wear the designer baby crap.

Sigh…