The Peanut Chronicles

And I try not to let my emotions show
But it ain't a balloon I can just let go
Its an ice cream cone dripping in the sun
Sticky hands
Sticky arms
Sticky situation

Tomorrow I go back to work. Yes, I got the adoption job. Yes I am super excited. I think that if I ever refer to my job I will call it… I’m not sure yet. Anyway, I got the job that I really wanted. It doesn’t pay as much as I had hoped for but at least it’s a job. And it may work with the stipend. However, it’s still a fifteen grand pay raise from what I made without my masters so that made grad school worth it.

Here’s the thing though: I was so excited to be going back to work. So VERY excited. So why is that when I called up the Bear to tell him that I started work tomorrow, he picks up the phone and I BURST into tears!!??

I understand that after giving birth that it takes a year to get your hormones back into the daily routine of being normal. Or at least to the way that they were. Maybe this is why I am so cranky with Bear and life right now (god I hope so). But I burst into tears!! I don’t cry. Very few people have seen me cry. It just isn’t me.

The truth is, I think that I am afraid that I am going to miss something in Nut’s life. The likelihood that the Bear and I will be able to conceive another child is less then one percent. Even then, the doc has advised against it due to the rough delivery, bleeding out, and consequential surgery for me. Not too keen on the thought of death you know. So this IS IT. I don’t want to miss anything. However, by returning to work, am I missing everything? Or will I appreciate the time that I have with Nut more?

Last night, as we were flying home from Scarlet Wood in one of the airplanes we have (wow. I sound snotty and rich there.) Nut was screaming so much in the back seat that I pulled him out of his carrier, into the front seat, changed his diaper, PJ’s, wrapped him into his “thank heaven for little boys” blankie with the airplane on it that I slept with while I was preggers with him, and held him close and tight while he snoozed away. The slept this way the entire plane ride home, which was a couple of hours.

I was listening to my iPod under the headset I was wearing in the cockpit and the song “In this life” came on and I almost started bawling there too!!

By going back to work, what am I going to miss? His first steps? Sentences? Crawling? I mean, this is it. He is my world. Can I really leave my world to someone else, even if it is our beloved Fly Girl? And what will Nut remember? FG or me? I may have hated being a housewife and all the connotations of being a trophy wife but shit, I wasn’t ready to go back and give it up this soon.

Basically, I don’t think that I was ready for today to be the last day. It seems too sudden. Too abrupt. It’s like a sudden death.

I am not ready to say goodbye, and my world, once again, is reeling.

2 Comments:

Mamacita Tina said...: When you see Nut do anything for the first time, that WILL be the first time he does it. It doesn't matter if he did it for Fly Girl two hours earlier. It will only matter when he does those things for you.; 10:13 PM
Suzanne said...: Thank you Mamacita Tina for saying exactly what I was thinking, except much more eloquently!; 7:15 PM

2 Comments:

About Me