The Peanut Chronicles

Saturday, August 26, 2006

reminiscing

I’m home.

The bear, Nut and I flew in yesterday to Scarlet Wood. I am currently sitting with Nut at Old Town Coffees and Chocolate enjoying a cup of EXCELLENT coffee and some time with Paige. Nut is fussing like no tomorrow but I am sorry, ten minutes is NOT a nap. He needs to take his frigging nap and then he will feel better.

I was driving through town and this song came on the radio by system of the down. Chop Suey! Ok, this song makes no sense to me because it talks so quickly in the beginning (oh the joys of hearing loss) but I remember it very clearly because of the main lyrics. Actually, I remember the tune; I can’t understand the lyrics when I hear it. Anyway, I have a distinct recollection of hearing it while I was…uh… dancing. But there is a point to this.

I was reminiscing about all the interesting things I used to do pre-mommihood. And I want to talk about Nut for a minute. He is just such a good kid. I mean it. All my friends love him and spoil him rotten (cough cough cough MOE cough). He is a happy baby. Strangers are even amazed how beautiful he is. I hope it lasts. I really hope that Nut doesn’t inherit my self-esteem and mental issues fallout. It is only right that I want the best for him in his life. I can’t imagine what my life was like before him.

But there are secrets that I NEVER want him to know about me. Actually, I don’t want to answer any questions from the years of my life of 16 through 22. After all, I met his dad when I was 22. He doesn’t really need to know how I made money in college (nothing illegal, just degrading.) He doesn’t need to know about my e what ever you want to call them. The whole thing with that asshole? Yep. Still reeling from that entire seriously degrading and fucked up relationship ten fucking years later. And I don’t want Nut to know what a stupid slut his mom was. And I certainly don’t want my Nut to use woman for shits and giggles. Its heartbreak at it’s worst.

I sit here in my hometown, where I rebuilt my life, and wonder who the hell is going to teach my son to be a man. I certainly know his father will try but his father has fucked up too. It’s kind of disturbing to me because I want my son to be a decent man. But what is a decent man these days? I think Nut will be fine. He has how many “uncles” who can teach him stuff? And although Bear insists on letting Nutter get away with everything and is currently the “fun parent I think his Uncles will not let him get away with shit. Or at least I hope not.