The Peanut Chronicles

I knew it would happen the first time I had heard of him. he was short, red and seemingly charming. People everywhere thought he was adorable. He had only a small ego and for his populatiry, that was something that was amazing. everyone loved him. people would fawn over him. the first time I saw him I realized he inflitrated the world to spread his evilness everywhere behind his cute face and voice. Oh yes people, we are talking about him. the big baddie. the evil one. the lord of the underworld.

I'm talking about elmo.

sure, laugh. but from day one I have thought this was an evil muppet. the muppets stand for everything I love. they teach lessons! they have humor! adults dig them! muppets make great movies to create drinking games to! sesame street taught tolerence and understanding!

but now... now it's all over. sesame street has fallen under the rule of elmo.

I remember my first Elmo sighting. it started with Connie. she was wearing an elmo shirt in government class my senior year of high school. I couldn't figure out who the fuck was on her shirt. I love the Muppets (still do!) and I had not seen this one. I asked her:

"So connie, what muppet is that?"

"What? you don't know who ELMO is?" she rolled her eyes here. then she goes off explaining what the hell this little sock mop thing was. how wonderful he was... how terrific he was... I got suspicious. For the rest of the year, whenever I had a question for OCnnie, she would talk down to me in a patronizing voice as if I was some stupid little kid. oh yes, she had been elmo-ized. is it any wonder I hated high school so much?

That Christmas, Elmo groupies lined up in the wee hours of the morning outside of stores, waiting to grab an elmo doll for their little one's who had fallen under satan's-opps, I mean ELMO's- spell. there were fights over the damn doll. they treated the doll as a holy grail. the second coming of Christ. they were worshiping false idols.

the first time I had a run in with a tickle me elmo doll was when I was in Orgeon when I was 19 years old. I had driven to Orgeon on a whim, which started my penchen for disappearning for a few days and then just reappearing. Orgeon was the furtherst I have gone. Trust me, if you have figured out where metropolis is by now then you know that it is quite a drive. I visited my friend Looney. she took me to a store where there was a whole wall of Elmos. we spent the next few minutes setting them all off. why? why not?!

as we stepped back and watched the whole asile shake and giggle with the annoying high pitched laugh of "HA HA HA HA!! THAT TICKLES!" I realized that this was the antichrist. alright, I may have been a little high at the time but you get the point. I turned to Looney and said, "I have seen the face of evil, and it is Elmo."

Later tht year, for Christmas, I recieved a Tickle me Elmo doll as a joke. holy crap! that is one scarey mother fucker when the batteries start dying. as the batteries fade, Elmo's got deeper and deeper until it sounded sinister. instead of vibrating at the regular rate, it would slowly convulse until it no longer would move. after about five minutes of being dormint, when I was no where near the damn thing, all of a sudden the little high pitched voice would say "that tickled" as if possessed. I would think that the head would turn around in circles. after all, Elmo is the devil's child and this just further convinced me of it.

A few days ago, Nut and I went to Toys R Us. I was shocked and freaked out to see that there was a FIGGING COUNT DOWN on the belly of a huge elmo cardboard that said "weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds..." until tickle me Elmo is 10 years old! I came to a dead standstill. 10 years of fricking tickle me elmo. TEN YEARS! Nut stared at the count down. it's clock was ticking away in digital red numbers. I looked up at the elmo. surely that was an evil "come to the dark side" grin he was shining down upon my precious son. And how was Nut reacting? I looked at him. he was fasinated. he was giggling. HE WAS REACHING!!!!

oh no... no no no!! I quickly picked up the smaller elmo doll that was part of the display and for sale.

"Nutter, this elmo. he is EVIL. he is the devil's child! stay away from him."

Nut looked at mommy like she had lost her mind.

Maybe I have.

Every where I have gone for the past ten years I have tried to educate people about the evils of elmo. he is patronizing, he talks to kids with stupid baby talk if he doesn't get his way he throws a fit, he dominates Seasame Street. none of these are great lessons for impressionable youth. I want to strangle him until those little eyes bludge off his head.

People think I am crazy. They smile at the lady preaching the evils of elmo and then walk quickly in the direction of an elmo stand and buy one. "don't you get it?" I want to yell, "he is evil!! he is taking over the world!" but all of my efforts had failed...

..... or so I thought

Finally, an alliance begins to form.

and it's about fucking time too.

2 Comments:

First Year said...: LOL :) I can only imagine your horror as the evil red one tried to lure your little one into his evil tickling giggling world.

I hope others will be warned :); 8:15 AM
Mamacita Tina said...: Ok, I use to think the same way, but then we started watching Sesame Street. I hated the changes, but Ian loves the show, especially, dare I say it...Elmo. Sorry.; 12:54 PM

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